The year is 2008. You receive an Instant Message from an unknown screen name. The mystery IMer claims to be you from the year 2015. They want to tell you and only you something about your favorite reality show. You do not respond. The mystery IMer says they know something about The Hills. Yeah, that's your top reality show, but you write this off as nothing more than a good guess. Just as you're about to hit the Warn button, the IMer says someone from The Hills will one day get his very own sex advice TV show. Though you don't believe the IMer, you can't help but be intrigued. You add the SN to your Buddy List. You ask for more information. The IMer replies, "Brody Jenner. It will be called Sex With Brody. Sex With Brody will premiere on July 10, 2015 on E!" The IMer promptly slams the AIM door, never to appear in your Buddy List again. You grab a Post-It note and write, "7/10/15—time travel?" You put the Post-It in your wallet. You wake up.
"What a weird dream," you tell yourself. You roll over onto a small, leather rectangle. What is my wallet doing there? You sense your face go flush. You frantically grab the billfold, open it up, and root around in the different card slots. Just as a wave of relief washes over you, you see something hiding behind an expired Jamba Juice coupon: the yellow corner of a Post-It. THE END.
Are you scratching your head right now? Are you wondering what you are supposed to take away from that beautiful and profound story? Don't worry, I'll explain: Sex With Brody is not a dream. Jenner has a sex advice show, and said program will premiere in a few weeks. The reality TV fixture will be joined by Dr. Mike Dow, comedian Stevie Ryan, and a rotating cast of celeb guests. The panel will answer callers' questions about sex. I know. I KNOW. It sounds too good to be true.
Want proof it's real? Here's the promo:
Wow. I have so many feelings. Feelings that can best be illustrated via The Hills GIFs. (If a feeling cannot be conveyed by a Lauren Conrad GIF, does that feeling make a sound?)
Every time I remember the show is called Sex With Brody:
They did it. They really, really did it. I applaud this move. It has major "Who's on First?" confusion potential:
"What are you doing tonight?" "Oh, watching Sex With Brody." "Wait, what?""What's on second."
When Brody shares his Matthew McConaughey impression with the world:
May the McConaissance live in our hearts forever.
When Brody says "Strap in and strap on":
That Brody. Such a scamp. I hope that's his catch phrase.
Every time I wonder whether or not the panel will answer the truly important questions:
"Hey, Brody. First time caller, longtime fan. Just wanted to know if beach combat boots are a deal breaker."
Every time I think about what'll inevitably be my new favorite show:
Here's hoping Dr. Ruth is one of the celeb guests.