Britney Spears' "E-mail My Heart" Is As Heartwarming As The Sound Of AOL Dialing Up

Warning: You might want to fetch your oven mitts, because I'm about serve up a piping hot take. There is a song on Britney Spears's debut album that does not receive enough credit, and that song is “E-mail My Heart”. Track #10 on ...Baby One More Time is an unfairly maligned, underrated classic. “The lyrics were dated literally seconds after Britney recorded the song,” naysayers nay say. “And as if the corny lyrics weren’t bad enough, the song is forgettable.”

The naysayers are wrong. “E-mail My Heart” is not only an enjoyable ballad, but its message speaks to us all. I’d be willing to wager 12 HitClips that you, fair reader:

  1. use electronic mail on a daily basis.
  2. have a heart.

The phrase "E-mail my heart" is a sentiment that truly captures the essence of humankind.

The track tells the story of two quarreling lovers. The era: the turn-of-the-millennium. The quarreling lovers' modes of communication: electronic mail, telephone. The quarreling lovers' electronic devices: desktop computer, cordless landline telephone. As far as technology is concerned, not much has changed since th— AUGH, wait. On second thought, a lot has changed since 1999. As timeless and poignant as the song title is, the actual lyrics could use few updates (not unlike the software on my laptop).

Oh, what's that? You want to know if I translated the lyrics to "E-mail My Heart" into the parlance of our times?

willterminus on YouTube

LET'S DO THIS.

THE FIRST VERSE

Original:It's been hours, seems like days, since you went awayAnd all I do is check the screen to see if you're OK.You don't answer when I phone, guess you wanna be left alone.So I'm sending my heart, my soul, and this is what I'll say

2k15 tranlsation:It's been seconds, seems like minutes, since you've texted meAnd all I do is hit "refresh" to see if you've tweeted a tweetYou just liked an Instagram photo, so I know you have your phoneSo I'm sending you a Snap, a Vine, and this is what I'll say

THE PRE-CHORUS

Original:I'm sorry, oh so sorryCan't you give me one more chance To make it all up to you

2k15 translation:Sorry I'm not sorryI'm going to flood your inbox Until I get a reply from you

THE CHORUS

Original:E-mail my heart and say our love will never dieAnd that I know you're out there and I know that you still careE-mail me back and say our love will stay aliveForever, E-mail my heart

2k15 translation: DM my heart, I know your phone didn't dieAnd yes, I call my mobile device "my heart," I don't careYou left "read receipts" on iMessage, I know your battery is aliveCorny E-mail signoffs are so 2000-and-late

THE SECOND VERSE

Original:I can see you in my mind, coming on the lineAnd opening this letter that I've sent a hundred timesHere's a picture of us two, I look so good on youand can't you please forgive me for the hurt I put you through

2k15 translation:I can picture your name on Gchat, finally signing online And opening this message that I "accidentally" sent multiple timesThere's an attachment, too... Did it go through?It's not a virus, but it is an animated GIF of a dog taking a poo

THE PRE-CHORUS

Original:

I'm sorry, oh so sorry

Can't you give me one more chanceTo make it all up to you

2k15 translation:Sorry I'm not sorryI'm going to flood your inbox Until I get a reply from you

THE CHORUS

Original:

E-mail my heart and say our love will never dieAnd that I know you're out there and I know that you still careE-mail me back and say our love will stay aliveForever, E-mail my heart

2k15 translation: DM my heart, I know your phone didn't dieAnd yes, I call my mobile device "my heart," I don't careYou left "read receipts" on iMessage, I know your battery is aliveCorny E-mail signoffs are so 2000-and-late

Bonus points if you sing the 2k15 lyrics along with the original song:

Anne Li on YouTube

Images: spacecadet, mydaleylife, pikachuintheshower, benfoldsone, discosauce, realitytvgifs/tumblr