'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.' Recap: Welcome to the World of Thor

So this week was more or less a marketing product, a tie-in for the newest Loki (I mean, Thor: The Dark World) movie. As marketing product, it wasn't terribly offensive. It answered the questions that a big superhero movie franchise can't ask: What happens when the superheroes leave? Are there any normal Asgardians who just wanna chill?

But as an episode, much like last week, it asked more questions than it answered. The show kept giving characters opportunities to reveal more about themselves, only to have them wave happily at those opportunities when they passed them by.

What's more, this episode focused on the show's weakest character by far: Ward. A couple found an Asgardian Berserker staff that gives whoever touches it great rage and power. It was left by an Asgardian who decided to stay on Earth, and when Ward touches the staff, it brings up a painful, rage-inducing memory. What is this all-important memory? The first time he felt hate: when his brother tried to make him leave another kid to drown in a well. "Whoa!" you exclaim, "What's the deal with his brother?" We still have no idea, because Ward avoids talking about it even when Skye asks him.

Meanwhile, more boring things are happening. Simmons finally calls her parents and tells them what's going on with S.H.I.E.L.D. The most exciting thing in the episode is when Agent Coulson somehow sticks his hands inside the wounded Asgardian to keep him alive, which is a) disgusting, b) seems pretty impossible, even for an alien and c) is in no way related to any plot point in the show. And Coulson had another big Tahiti revelation: He had a dream about getting a massage in Tahiti (cue me groaning when the masseuse says "magical place"), and he woke up in a cold sweat. This has been the most shocking revelation about Coulson's resurrection so far: a massage. Also Ward goes into Melinda May's hotel room and shuts the door behind him? Does this mean they hook up? Will this show tell us anything?

Apparently not. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. won't reveal anything about its characters, even the most boring ones. You know what that means: crazy theory and speculation time!

Agent Coulson: Was inexplicably resurrected in the "magical place" of Tahiti after being stabbed in The Avengers.

Crazy Theory: The Internet has already come up with a pretty good one for me. They seem to think Agent Coulson is a Life Model Decoy, a S.H.I.E.L.D. robot that imitates all aspects of a living person so well that they're virtually indistinguishable from the original. They were used several times in the Marvel comics, so it's the most plausible theory so far.

Skye: She's an orphan who was dropped off by a woman who was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. The woman was killed shortly after she dropped off Skye.

Crazy Theory: Skye's parents are superheroes, or maybe her parents were S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, or maybe her parents were killed by a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent gone bad. I don't know, help me out here, S.H.I.E.L.D.

Ward: He had a shitty psychopath of a brother.

Crazy Theory: His brother is a villain. Or maybe Ward is just a boring character with a mentally disturbed brother.

Melinda May: Earned the nickname "The Cavalry" when she was in the field, which now haunts her.

Crazy Theory: She accidentally killed someone. Otherwise, why the eerie silences?

Fitz-Simmons: Weird chemistry.

Crazy theory: They like each other. Or Fitz likes Skye. Or my favorite theory, they have a Luke-Leia thing going on and horrifyingly find out that they're brother and sister (I mean, they're essentially the same person anyways).