Zetus Lapetus! There is nothing I love more than sitting down with a good old-fashioned Disney Channel Original Movie, especially when I get to rewatch Zenon: Girl of The 21st Century and it’s supposed to be considered “work.” You know, if this movie came out today, it would be called Zenon: Girl of Today (total dad joke, sorry). Zenon was an instant classic for anyone who hit high school in the early 2000s. It’s pretty much the entire reason that we wore leggings under our skirts for about a year. And without Zenon, American Apparel's entire metallic line would have been a disaster.
The 1999 film took place on a space station in 2049. As it turns out, there are no advanced computer techs/troubleshooters on board, so a 13-year-old girl obviously has to save the day. Nothing is better than watching a space-themed movie with Disney Channel's budget. It’s magical. So for this amazing rewatch, I sat down with a friend. It turns out that, having not seen this movie in quite some time, there are a bunch of things that I completely forgot happened in it. But don’t worry; you’ll be happy to hear that when it was over, I still loved the movie.
1. There Are Coils In Raven-Symoné's Hair
There is no other way to describe it. It looks like her pigtails are held in by Slinkys.
2. Chelsea Clinton Is The President Of The United States
When Zenon first gets into her classroom, her teacher is talking about President Chelsea Clinton and how her father influenced her decisions as the POTUS. Chelsea 2049, guys. Still could happen.
3. Why Is Her Teacher A Hologram?
Were they trying to be super advanced with this? Where is he actually located? Why wasn’t Tupac there with him? So many questions!
4. Data-Zapping: The OG FaceTime
I’ve got to hand it to the minds behind this film: When it came out in 1999, I looked at my friend and said, “Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could see each other when we talked on the phone?!” Well played, Zenon.
5. So Much Space Slang
The best: “Alpha Major.” The worst: “Lunarious.” My Favorite: “Sweat minor Aunt Judy.”
6. What The Hell Is A Stress Helmet?
And where do I get one? Also, I’m dying to know what a “chill chamber” is. I’m imagining a spa that’s potentially free of charge up there.
7. They’re Using Wingdings Font
Alright, so it’s 2015 right now, and the last time anyone used “Wingdings” was around the time this movie came out. You know when Zenon is trying to guess the password multiple times in this movie? The code is in Wingdings. WINGDINGS!
8. IT’S EPHRAM FROM EVERWOOD!
I won’t lie to you. I am obsessed with Everwood, yet I completely forgot Ephram is Zenon’s love interest. He’s the best! Side note: I am still upset that Everwood is not on Netflix.
9. The Graphics Are Lunarious
This is sarcasm, obviously. These space shuttles look hilariously horrible, and I’ve also decided to make “lunarious” a thing.
10. Scrunchies Made A Comeback
Zenon is rocking scrunchies, and as much as I would love a scrunchie comeback in 2049, I just don’t know that I can buy it. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong, though. I had some sick butterfly clips.
11. The Only Car In The Movie Is A Volkswagen Beetle
Apparently, every human in the world will be in a '99 Beetle in 2049. Seems realistic.
12. “We Barter With Moon Rocks And Alien Skulls”
I’m sorry, you do what now? Zenon is explaining to Greg that there is no money in space and this is easily the best line uttered in the movie.
13. Zenon Is Really Just About Insurance Fraud
Wyndham and Lutz are trying to kill everyone on the space station so they can collect the insurance money. Solid effort, guys. But I don’t think I understood what insurance fraud was when this movie came out.
14. The Lyrics to “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom”
“There’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” This lyric is so beautifully stupid. Also, Proto Zoa’s hair is amazing. Do you think Guy Fieri looks to him for goals?
Luckily, all these WTF moments aside, I still think this movie is amazing.