I know not what goes in in Mickey Mouse's brain, so I can't even begin to explain why Disney princesses don't have moms. I will say that I once wrote a definitive ranking on how dead Disney princess parents are, but that's mostly because I'm going to hell, not because I have any legitimate understanding of these plot lines. OK, that's a lie—we all know that if Disney princesses had moms, there would be no plot at all. And now thanks to CollegeHumor author Emily Heller and artist Amy Kim, who did the internet the great service of reimagining the moms back into the stories, we now have the full concept of just how quickly their moms would have Shut It Down.
I don't want to play the blame game here, but Disney Dads, but y'all were falling asleep on the job. I know, I know. You've got kingdoms to run and weird things to invent and unexpected dates with the Grim Reaper (too soon?). But seriously, in most cases, when Disney gals have dads, they are their not-so-secret downfalls. Reevaluate Beauty and the Best and Aladdin in particular. It's impressive, that they managed to screw up that hard. That's some next level stupid sauce.
But hey, I guess it did give us the movies we all watched as kids and kept the Halloween costume industry booming well into the millennium, so I can't complain too much. But here is Heller's interpretation of just how short these movies could have been, if only mom was around:
For more Disney mom re-imaginings, the original CollegeHumor post is here. And because we're on a roll here reimagining the Disney princess's lives, here is a stroll down internet memory lane:
If Disney Princesses Were Real
K, so...that got a little dark.
If Disney Princesses Texted Their Princes
Your '90s brain will never be the same again.
If Disney Princesses Had Snapchat
NO. WE'VE GONE TOO FAR. (Or not far enough?)
Images: Courtesy Of Emily Heller(3); Disney(1)