Women Are Freaking Out Over "Handsome" Gorilla

The entire Internet has erupted with admirers over a gorilla in a Japanese zoo. Admiration with a sexual root. Like, I get that Tinder for dogs is a thing, but not a bestiality thing. This, on the other hand, sure seems like that—at least in a joking sense. A joke that goes a bit questionably too far. Seriously, I saw the Twitter fangirling and thought to myself, "If I have to write about this, I might actually die." So...RIP, me. Because no matter where I hide on this internet, it doesn't change the fact that women think this gorilla is hot.

Are we really at that point, y'all? I have my own brewing, bubbling annoyance with dudes and men in general. Men, in my dating experience, tend to be super selfish, unwilling to grow up emotionally, make sacrifices without the immediate promise of pay off, and...kinda suck. (Can you tell I'm in the midst of some personal relationship drama? You can't? OK, good.) But are we seriously turning our human swoons into lust for primates? This is a bad plan.

Of course it's not Shabani's fault human people are sexualizing him. He was born that way, etc., etc. Media has gone so far as to call this animal—who I repeat, is not a human—a heartthrob. OK! Wait...NOT OK.

He looks like a gorilla to me, folks. Maybe this is my own shortcoming—this inability to gauge a non-human's attractiveness levels. Like, I feel pretty confident in my abilities to judge cuteness with animals, but hotness? No. The tags in the above Instagram are actually disturbing. Why are people banding together to express a horniness specific to this gorilla? WHY?

He's got that side-eye down, which I guess some people find smoldering. But maybe it's a vision problem. I find myself often looking up at my laptop with head shifted down. No one stops me in cafés for photos.

I hate this. I hate this so much. It's cool for animals to gain celebrity, I guess, but the sexualization is unwarranted. Again, human dudes kinda suck sometimes. I 100% get that. And crushes are fun! That's another thing I support. But are we at a real point where we throw our hearts and burning loins in the direction of a non-human? Even if it is in a joking way? We're surpassing the joke point, TBH. It's officially creepy. I say we all start backing away—quickly—and immediately.