7 Emotional Stages Of Wearing Short Shorts Because Stepping Out In Teeny Pants Is Complicated
No matter how body positive we are, there are always a few irrational moments that creep up in the form of insecurities when wearing short shorts. You find yourself feeling like a complete babe at home — absolutely comfortable in your own skin — but sometimes when you step outside, unfounded doubts start creeping in. There are certain emotional stages of wearing shorts that revolve around uncertainty and self-doubt. All of them are silly, of course, and are just our inner voices having a wild moment.
It unusually starts with us in front of the mirror, swishing our hair and having a Beyoncé moment with our reflection, totally sure we’ve never looked better. There’s love for our curves and a slight temptation to twerk our way out of the house, admiring the way everything is moving.
But something odd sometimes happens when we step outside and start to think people are looking at us. We shrink a little and get all fidgety with hems and wonder why we opted for something so… towel sized. And the funny thing is, it’s completely unfounded! No one’s looking at you, and if they are, they’re probably just admiring. But insecurities aren’t meant to be rational. Below are the seven emotional stages most of us feel when stepping outside with a teeny tiny short shorts.
1. The “I’m Feeling Hot Stage”
Hopped up on the high of a couple Beyoncé music videos, you’re feeling like today calls for a little more skin than usual. I’m not talking about taking it a step further and going from short sleeves to sleeveless (you scandal maker, you), I’m talking about wearing those teeny tiny hand towels masquerading as a pair of shorts. The image of Bey in one of her leotards fresh in your brain, you reach for it without a second thought.
2. The “I’m One Hot Tamale” Stage
Zipping up the hand towel, you do a slow turn in front of the mirror and feel a flush of pleasure. Perfection. You look amazing. Why haven’t you worn these sooner? Giving your behind a slap, you leave the mirror and are ready to start your day.
3. The "Just A Minor Adjustment" Stage
You start walking toward the bus and about three blocks in, you fidget. At a red light you pull down at the hem a bit, adding a centimeter to your coverage. Faking a cough (you're not sure how this makes you less obvious, but it does) you do it again. Feeling silly, you continue down the block to your bus stop, fighting the urge to lower yourself into a quick lunge to straighten out the shorts. But then people might think you're battling a wedgie and, well, you can afford to walk around with slightly skewed shorts for a while longer.
4. The "I'm Sorry But Does She Look Offended?" Stage
You're standing at the crosswalk waiting for the light to turn green when you notice a woman with blue tinted hair and a grim set to her mouth on the other side of the street. Looking closer, you notice she's straight scowling at you. And not in a mildly disapproving way, no, but in a "you've offended the very core of my being" kind of way.
Not sure what to do, you glance just about everywhere but at her, feeling the heat from her stare from across the street. You fight the urge to pull down at your shorts, and instead take a dignified sniff. The light turns green and you begin to cross, feeling like you're taking the first 10 paces in a duel. You and the lady lock eyes and you try not to flinch as you pass her, suddenly certain she might use her purse as a weapon.
As you make it safely across, you vaguely think of how Bey probably never has this problem.
5. The "I'll Never Leave The House Without a Prairie Skirt On" Stage
Regret. Deep, face-turning-pink regret. Why do you even own these shorts? Were they part of a Halloween costume or something? Man, how a mean look can change things, huh?
6. The "Did These Turn Into Underwear?" Stage
Feeling slightly uneasy after the showdown, you feel a tad self-conscious on the bus now. Gone is the unstoppable feeling you had back at home, where you basically twerked your way out of the house. Now, instead, you have major regret over your outfit choice. Noticing a seat opening up, you go to nab it and notice, with some alarm, that your shorts shrink down to underwear proportions when you sit down. Good god, you're like this bus's answer to the Naked Cowboy. But... is it wrong that you're kind of loving how your thighs are looking? I mean, they're kind of making you want to do a smug hair flip.
But you're supposed to be embarrassed over this total lack of modesty... right?
7. The "Screw It, I Am A Hot Tamale" Stage
We've come full circle! Forget the stares and the few disapproving sniffs. Sure, sometimes these shorts ride up in the most unpleasant of ways, but it's summer and it's hot and you've got a right to show off your pins after hiding them all nine months of winter. It'd be cruel to deprive the world of such splendor.
Smiling, you let yourself do the aforementioned hair flip and get off the bus at your stop. The crisis has passed.
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