John Oliver Won't Let That Pesky Fourth Of July Holiday Stop Him Steamrolling Through 15 Topics In Just One Minute — VIDEO

If you're like me, then Mondays feel empty without recapping what happened the night before on Last Week Tonight With John Oliver. So, like me, you'd be pretty agitated if a pesky national holiday interferes with its schedule. However, Oliver is never one to leave us hanging. Though Last Week Tonight was off this weekend in honor of the Fourth of July holiday, which John Oliver calls "an annual American tradition of reminding the sky who runs shit," the host gave us something to tie us over for the week. Instead of a full segment, John Oliver covered 15 topics in one minute in a web-exclusive bonus episode that was shorter but no less brilliant.

As fans know, the show usually takes a deep dive into one topic for, according to Oliver, "arguably, in greater detail than anyone needs; objectively, for a longer period than anyone wants." But for this special segment, Oliver took a "shallow dive" into 15 topics, which he covers over the course of just one minute. You might think that sounds like a waste of time, how could anyone say anything meaningful about 15 topics in one minute, blah blah blah. Well, then you don't know who you're dealing with here. Even though Oliver sums up each topic with just one line, his summation is the only thing you need to know about said topic. Just watch.

Flip-Flops

Clearly, they are just lingerie for foot fetishists.

Ostriches

Scary horse birds. I don't like them. Get away.

The Food Chain

Only safe if you're at the very top.

Orgies

Orgies: Also only safe if you're at the very top.

Banjos

They're just guitars whose parents are cousins.

Bagels

Donuts that gave up on their dreams.

Subtitles

No, thank you, subtitles. Stop trying to turn my movie into a book.

Dogs

Amazing! Dogs are amazing. They're the only friends who will still love you if you cut off their balls.

Conspiracy Theories

They're just fairy tales grownups tell each other on YouTube.

Al Roker and Lenny Kravitz

Cousins! Seriously, they're cousins. Google it — they're cousins!

Sloppy Joe's

They're just drunk hamburgers.

Seagulls

Like if your deadbeat brother was a flock of birds.

The Trans-Pacific Partnership

Too complex. No time at this point.

Butterflies

They're nothing but pretentious, high-maintenance moths.

Chicken Soup

I don't care if it's good for my soul. It's salty bird water. I'm not going to drink it. Done!

Woot! What a ride. Even though it was a speed version of Last Week Tonight, it was still highly satisfying, kind of like a perfect bite-size sampling of the full meal. However, our benevolent host knows that eating hors d'oeuvres for meals is nonsense, so he closed his mini segment with something that reminds viewers of his regular program.

A pug dressed like a slightly larger pug.

Watch the entire segment below.

LastWeekTonight on YouTube

Images: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver/YouTube