You Either Stay Out All Night Or Never Leave Home

When it comes to having an "all or nothing" personality, never is the disparity between your interests as severe as when planning weekend activities. You're either bound to the couch like Kim and Kanye or you're raging in a bandage dress until 3AM — never in between. You never just go out for a few drinks or to dinner, have a nice time, say goodnight, and go home and go to bed by a reasonable hour. Ha, that would be insane. No, you're either shutting down the bar and stumbling home with your shoes in your hand having had the most epic night of your life, or you're lying in bed for the entire weekend, watching Netflix in a pile of chip crumbs, ignoring texts from your friends who are starting to wonder if you've died. Those are your two speeds on the weekend. There's no telling where your desires may lead, and this is a conundrum, as your being is made up of 50% homebody 40% vodka shots and 10% indecision.

You like to think you balance your extremes. A night of nearly killing yourself dancing on a table and ending up in random foreign exchange students' flats gives you a solid year's worth of appropriate, interesting, grown up dinner conversation to work with, so really, why exert yourself more? But seriously: it's a struggle to be so predictably all over the place. Here's what life is like when you're either staying out way too late or not going out at all.

You go back and forth between feeling like people are judging you for not having a life, and then for having a little too much of one

This is the bulk of the internal stress of the homebody: Worrying about who is judging you for your more settled weekend preferences, and the Sunday morning regrets of the party girl. Unfortunately, you have both of these concerns, and though considering your life through the ever-condescending lens of "what everybody else could maybe, possibly think" is destructive if not entirely unfair and delusional, it matters to the extent that it's how comfortable you are with yourself. (And you have to learn to accept that you don't have to be one way or another all the time. Contain your multitudes, girlfriend.)

Your closet is basically "professional clothes", bandage dresses, and sweatpants. Casual wear is a concept that is all but lost on you.

You epitomize "work hard, play hard, nothing in between" and all the little details of your life probably reflect that. You're as serious about relaxing and reading on the couch as you are taking body shots at your college friends' apartments, and interestingly enough, you're balanced in your extremes, so at least you have that going for you.

You like to think you need a solid month of recovering from a really wild night out

This is typically how you justify realizing that going out and getting smashed is only fun some of the time (and you honestly spend the rest of your time wondering how people actually like/want to do it every blessed weekend.)

You also like to think of Netflix and wine on the couch as equally "fun" as a bar

You don't think of your life as divided into times you're having fun and not — it's all fun. And, to be totally honest, the night has peaked once you're walking barefoot down the street awaiting a Seamless order, tipsy but still conscious enough to be chanting "yas" in your head.

You never fit into one personality type

You're type A with type B tendencies; you're an introvert with an outgoing personality. You're an anomaly, even to yourself.

You don't ever feel obligated to go out. The urge just hits you. You literally just wake up one day and think, "OK, time to rage."

This is actually your personality. Every once in a while, as you're treading along with your otherwise nice and productive life, you think, "You know what? It's time to relive 2010, get me my bandage dress, order a vodka soda and throw down in heels I can't even walk down my apartment stairs in. This is living. Here we go."

You have two sets of friends, both of which you're convinced would set the other on fire

You have the going out friends and the "we get that you're a grandma" friends. The very blessed among us have friends who can get down with either.

And then you have that one friend, who is there for the nights in, and is there for the nights out.

And they are the true hero in this mess. Because they are there for the night out and the Morning After. They are your lifejacket either way. They love you no matter what version of yourself you are, and for that, you must extend your eternal gratitude.

Images: Todd Baker/Flickr; Giphy (4)