7 Spectacular Ways To Chop An Onion

I didn't know there was any confusion over how to chop an onion, but we'll get to that in a minute. First, the more important issue: I don't understand how foods like onions and mushrooms can be so polarizing. To be real, I strongly suspect people invent aversions to foods at random so they don't have to bother developing a strong, interesting personality. "Oh, that's Audrey. She hates zucchini." See? Sounds boring because it is. Anyway, for us normals who understand life experiences and good humor can comprise an acceptable persona, we get to enjoy these foods with wild abandon. We also get to enjoy seven different ways to chop an onion in this effusive culinary journey to acceptance. Ain't life grand?

I'll admit something a little embarrassing: I used to think I had super powers for longer than could be considered cute. I thought I was immune to the watery eyes most people on the planet experience when handling skinned, raw onions. I'd chuckle with false modesty when someone commented on my dry eyes as I inexpertly diced onions in preparation for a V.E.G.A.N.S. Club dinner (yes, a thing I was part of for most of college. We had cool shirts with Bart Simpson jokes screen printed on them). Turns out, it was just my contacts keeping me safe because the very first time I sliced onions in glasses, my face became a fountain.

Great! So grab some tissues. Now that we're prepared to literally cry, let's review a few of the options we have for cutting onions:


Is this how you prepare an onion for your guac? Because you know, those are crucial. Unlike peas. Peas are blasphemy and using them in any way associated with avocados should be a punishable crime. Not sure about the punishment just yet, but feel free to submit your own ideas. I'm thinking something related to wearing argyle.

Extra classic

Plus it's basically exercise and a thoughtful ode to your ancestors.

Extra rhythmic

This method is most successful when paired with an extension background in dance and enthusiastic subscription to one's own delusion of self.

Learn all the ways before and prepare to really knock your friends' socks off (which might smell a bit like onions, also. Please be careful to practice only in well-ventilated spaces):

Images: littleny/Fotolia; Imgur(3)