First of all, I do not understand nor do I want to understand people with a completely rubbish aversion to mushrooms. "But they're fungus!" YOU'RE FUNGUS. Also, cheese is mold, so if you wanna be really real on the whole "what foods actually are" tangent, no more nachos for you, fungus face. Also also, to be clear, I'm not talking about magic mushrooms, as I personally find those to yield mostly terrifying results. Mushrooms rule. And mushrooms are the most mind blowing things on earth.
There's so much variation possible with mushrooms, or "toadstools" if you're "proper" or "a little British." Sometimes they look crazy as hell—like, even consider the tiny in tact clusters of oyster mushrooms that seem to come as a delightful standard at most hot pot places. They look nothing like the portabella mushroom caps so gigantic they make a helluva burger substitute at barbecues if you don't wanna go the beef or hot dog route. Sometimes, too, they appear in the wild in maddeningly vivid colors and shapes and...it's crazy, right? These spores that can look like total aliens despite their omnipresences across this wild world. And the spectacular results you can get when you try to grow your own mushrooms. Anyway, let's go on a shroomy journey through some of the most insane mushrooms encountered in nature and otherwise:
Basically a sea sponge
Looks like you lather up with some nice peppermint body wash and this bad boy to emerge from the shower squeaky clean. However—and this is probably a better call—it looks like the person posting the image of it instead plans to eat it. That's acceptable. And probably delicious.
Mad Hatter attire
Couldn't you just see it now...? Or can you not see anything but this actual GIF? Because either way, I feel you.
Here we have what's clearly wild-roaming wizard hats springing from the earth.
The bright colors! So melty looking, too. The person posting this wagered it was a Pulveroboletus ravenelii . It's unclear if you're supposed to eat these.
Baby light poles
How? You know, a lot of people tell me their mushroom aversion stems from the fungus's likeness to penises. I don't get it.
OK. I get it now.
Hey. Another dick-ish mushroom.
Last one...like that...
To be fair, mushrooms can also look like vaginas. Apparently.
This looks exactly like a hawk tail or something. Gorgeous.
IDK. IDK even a little bit.
Oooh. Bioluminescence is—TBH—one of the coolest things on the planet.
Smoke and mirrors
OK, not mirrors—just mushrooms. And...smoke? Dust? I'm officially nervous.
I DID NOT EVEN THINK OF UNDERWATER SHROOMS. THEY ARE SO MYSTERIOUS AND BRIGHT AND...do y'all see this?
I could absolutely see this as a cute AF skirt. Or at least a stylish lampshade.
Y'all thought I was done, but...
A just a touch of yonic sensibility.
"You can't sit with us."
Or a wedding cake? This feels very wedding-ish.
This display looks like some elaborate plume design. Maybe à la the peacock's infamous mate attractant or like...an ornate fan to hide a fireplace in the summer. Either way, I'm into it.
Honestly, how something that looks like a fat, very old toad but tastes like a flavor orgasm is beyond me. Probably the most mindblowing consideration of them all.
Pump up the volume
A seriously intense supercut
A catch-all, if you will. And even if you won't.
Images: Getty Images; Mushroom Club Of Georgia/Facebook (2); Giphy (3)