Any time I notice dirty dishes piling up in and around the kitchen sink on voyeuristic reality shows like Big Brother , I get all sorts of anxious: That mess is going to kill everyone's mood; their plumbobs are going to turn bright red; they'll yell in Simlish, shake their hands at the sky, and stomp their feet like goblins; I should go into Buy Mode and delete all of those filthy plates before things escalate. And then I remember I'm not playing life simulation computer game The Sims. I'm watching real humans on a real reality show. I cannot delete the plates.
But what if I could? What if I dusted off my The Sims 3CD-ROM and built my very own version of the Big Brother 17 house? What if I was the Big Brother of Sims BB17?
And that train of thought is how I wound up here: Last weekend, I built a house that sort of looks like the real-life BB17 house and created Sims that sort of look like the real-life BB17 contestants. I've been watching the Sim drama unfold from my panopticon ever since. I have the power to delete as many grimy plates as my heart desires. *Rubs hands together like a Sim burglar.*
I wanted to put all 16 BB17 houseguests in the Sim house at the same time for the sake of convenience, but The Sims 3 has its limits: you can't assign more than eight Sims to a single Sim household. I totally forgot about this until I found myself unable to make a ninth Sim in the Create A Sim laboratory. Ugh, what is this, amateur hour? I wish I remembered this sooner so I would've known to create Sim versions of the eight houseguests who were introduced in the first episode of Big Brother 17(Audrey, Austin, Clay, Da'Vonne, Jace, James, Meg, and Shelli), but instead, I went in alphabetical order. Here's who appears in the first episode of Sims BB17:
- Sim Audrey
- Sim Austin
- Sim Becky
- Sim Clay
- Sim Da’Vonne
- Sim Jace
- Sim Jackie
- Sim James
- Sim Big Brother/me
Could I have simply replaced Sim Jackie and Sim Becky with Sim Meg and Sim Shelli? Yeah. But I didn't do that. Sorry. After creating eight Sims, I was sick of looking at the Create A Sim screen. I was ready to move on. I was ready to build the house.
My role as Sim Big Brother is as follows: I let the Sims houseguests do whatever they want. I do not force any interactions or actions. I only intervene if, like, a Sim gets stuck behind a chair and can't figure out how to walk around the chair on their own. I'm a pretty chill, hands-off Big Brother.
The first day in the Sims BB17 house was a very exciting day, indeed. But before I launch into the recap, here's a really cute family portrait that I couldn't not share with the class:
That is some Olan Mills goodness. Ready for the highlights from Sims BB17 day one? Let the Simming begin!
Here's the moment when the Sims BB17 cast arrived at the house:
Their excitement was palpable. I don't understand Simlish, but thanks to the 15 years I've spent playing this game, I'm more or less a Sims body language expert.
Here's the moment when the cast left the outside Sim world:
Later, Sims outside world. It's been real. Well, not real-real. Sims-real.
Now you see the door...
The newspaper boy was about to witness something wild.
...AND NOW YOU DON'T!
I assume the disappearing door became the talk of the town, but the Sims BB17 cast will never know. Because they do not have a front door, a telephone, a television, or Internet access. I, Big Brother, have made it so the Sims BB17 cast is cut off from the outside world entirely. *Rubs hands together like a Sim burglar.*
Here's the moment when a few Sims BB17 houseguests broke in the house bar:
I mean, there isn't a TV, so what else are they going to do?
Here's the moment when Sim Jace stared at the fish tank:
I mean, there isn't a TV, so what else is he going to do? (Yeah, yeah, I know real-life Jace's hair doesn't look like that, but Create A Sim has its limits, OK? I didn't have that many options to choose from.)
Here's the moment when an impromptu pool party happened:
I think I should add a diving board. Just to jazz things up. Love me a cannonball.
Here's the moment when Sim Jace stared at the fish tank:
Here's our first skinny dipper:
I turned around for 10 seconds, and one of the Sim houseguests was nude in the hot tub. I was so proud.
Here's the moment when Sim Austin tried and failed at making waffles:
Here's the moment when Sim Austin removed the burnt waffles from the oven:
Someone get that guy a toaster and a box of Eggos, amirite?
Here's the moment when Austin stared at the waffle mess he made:
He's so hangry.
Here's the moment when Austin just let it all out:
But if at first you don't succeed...
...Dust those burnt waffles into the trash and try again. (After the waffle debacle, I decided to give Sim Austin the Head of House room. He earned it.)
Here's the moment when the Sims BB17 houseguests enjoyed the not-burnt batch of waffles:
So many hangry Sims, so little time.
Here's some more skinny dippers:
Wow, the houseguests got comfortable real fast. So, so proud.
Here's the moment Sim James freaked out that someone else took the bed he wanted to sleep in
If only there was an empty bed in that very room that he could call his own.
Oh, what do you know?
There just so happened to be an empty bed on the other side of the room!
Here's the moment when Sim James reluctantly walked over to the bed, threw on his PJs, and went to sleep:
I don't know why he was so attached to that other bed. Maybe we'll find out in a later episode?
What's that? Sim Jace wound up in front of the fish tank yet again?
The weirdest part? He was thinking about fishing while he stared at his new buddies. Not cool, bro.
Tune in next week to see what happens next in the Sims BB17 house. Spoiler alert: Sim Jace will stare at the fish tank some more. Oh, and! Eight more contestants will move in next door/be thrown into the BB17 mix. *Rubs hands together like a Sim burglar.*
Images: The Sims 3/EA Games (21); Kristie Rohwedder/Bustle (21)