My Mom Controlled My Tinder Account For A Week, And Here's What It Taught Me

I’ve been getting pretty burned out on the whole Tinder thing lately. So much swiping, so many unwelcome nudity-ridden, creepy opening messages, endless conversations that go nowhere, and far too many (ridiculous) propositions. Blame it on being single in a city that sleeps around or just my lack of attention span — but I’ve had an on-and-off relationship with Tinder for a while now.

My mom, on the other hand is fascinated. When I would tell her about another date that didn’t go well, she’d instantly say, "It’s because of Tinder." I can’t say she’s wrong, really, there is a certain amount of anonymity that apps provide, but she’s obviously never used it before — my dad called her on the good ole phone when they dated in the '80s.

So while I was home for vacation for a week in North Carolina, I turned over my account to my mother. After a brief tutorial, I let her take the reigns with swiping and messaging. My only rule was that she had to make every single decision — she couldn’t ask me for my opinion or ask me how I wanted to respond. It was completely up to her.

She quickly became addicted and started calling all of her matches her "boyfriends," and my dad was a little jealous that she spent nearly an hour every single day talking to other dudes. As for me? I found it pretty hilarious and OK, learned a few things too.

Here are the highlights:

"Why do they have other people in the photo????"

After some swiping, my mom asked, "Linds, how do you know which one he is? Why would he only post photos where he’s with his friends? Doesn’t he realize how much work it is to figure out who he is? Lame. I’m passing on him." I agree wholeheartedly with my mom, and frankly, if I can’t tell who you are from your first photo, you’re getting nixed ASAP.

"Would you convert to Judaism for someone? I don’t care if you do, you know."

Anytime my mom would come across someone who mentioned religion, she would automatically ask me if I would consider converting to that religion for him. Because of my rule to not intervene in her fun, I wouldn’t answer her, but the truth is, unless he’s an atheist, it’s not really a deal breaker for me. I don’t feel a strong pull toward any religion specifically, but for my mom, apparently it seemed important.

"He has a dog! That’s so cute! You should date him for Lucy!"

Hands-down, my mom got the most excited about dudes with dogs. According to her, they’d understand what it’s like being a single dog parent more than anyone. Can’t say I disagree.

"Do people really only get together to save money on real estate?"

Um, absolutely. In my dreams of the perfect relationship, it definitely includes saving money on rent because I can live in a one-bedroom and split the cost of it. Winnnnning.

"Does that mean what I think it does?"

Yep, sure does, Mom. Surrreee does.

"Why does he believe in this old stereotype of the South? Do you get that a lot?"

Hey, at least she handled it well. To be fair, this guy’s from France originally, so he might not have too much experience with BBQ, sweet tea, moonshine, and catching lighting bugs in the summertime.

"I must have swiped the wrong way. There’s no way I’d pick someone who said that."

I have to say, she handled it kind of well. I would have likely just blocked him. But hey, at least he was cool with it? Jerk.

"Oh god. I know you don’t like short men, but how do I respond?! Why don’t they say how tall they are from the beginning?"

My thoughts exactly, Mom — just be honest about your height in your profile. It’s a sad truth, but we all have deal breakers and anyone under 5’8” is one of mine.

"You loved going to Paris. It was all about love!"

File this under things I’d never, EVER, say to someone when we first matched. But apparently guys don’t mind? That’s pretty cool.

"I think this was a nice way to describe the lake house."

The biggest thing I learned from my mom? To be more like myself. She didn’t care what she typed, how long it was, how it sounded — she was just honest. Not cheeky, not flirty, not trying to be mysterious, she was just herself. She described what she thought, she made some (hilarious) comments as she went through, but she didn’t get discouraged. It’s the c’est la vie attitude that I truly need to have toward dating.

…Now just to unmatch those dudes she paired me with. Yikes.

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