There's a lot of variable factors in life. It's hard to develop any sturdy sense of reliability, honestly—that is, except for cheese. Cheese is bae and therefore the clear choice as sidekick for celebrating, mourning, pondering, vibing, and being conscious. (Except for vegan or lactose-intolerant folks. To y'all, I apologize you will never know this blissful truth.) And what's the most ideal vehicle for cheese? Duh. Sometimes ordering a pizza is the only solution to your problems.
From the beginning, pizza has been there for you. Pizza is basically your OG support group—a real ride-or-die ally in circular or triangular form. As a child, pizza parties symbolized a goal met. It was enjoyed victoriously and often paired with a nice soda, perhaps in a classroom setting. As we grew and so did our special heart section for pizza, and our relationship with the doughy goodness grew more complex. It went on to symbolize independence, taking on main event status for teenage evenings out farting around your lackluster hometown. Now, as adults—excuse me, "adults"—pizza has wormed its way successfully into our collective past, present, and future. As such, life now drums up situations in which the only realistic problem solver is ordering in a large pizza pie. Situations like:
When you didn't dress for the weather
How else could one soothe such weather woes?
When you dressed perfectly for the weather
When your crush won't text back
Be a little sad!! (With pizza.)
When your crush initiates texting
Celebrate!! (With pizza.)
When your foot falls asleep
How else does the universe expect you to feed yourself thus providing sustenance to your body and continuing existence? Exactly.
When all your dishes are dirty
Hello? It's basically instant recycling by eating the pizza directly over the cardboard box it came in. Gosh, you're green.
When your manicure is on point
Everyone knows a good nail looks best when laid on top of a golden pizza crust. Pizza is honestly your nails' best accessory.
When you remember to pay bills before they're past due
When on vacation
This one should be so obvious I hope y'all already know.
When on staycation
When stuck at work for the foreseeable future
Pizza has a way of making dark truths easier to stand.
When a hot stranger smiles at you
Celebrate!! (With pizza.)
When you think about space
It's so big! Kinda mind-melting. Keep that brain intact by setting it with a nice seven slices or so of delivery.
When you remember Armageddon was a bad-ass film
Yo, maybe you could/share pair the pie with some animal crackers. You deserve it!
When Ben Affleck
...anything, really. Ben Affleck. This is acceptable.
When you're out of pizza
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