If I'm telling you the truth, cheese is a good friend of mine, and when paired with meat, it's simply the best hangout a girl could ask for. That's why I need to also tell you about this story that literally just happened to me an hour ago. Being too lazy to make dinner, my husband and I decided to order cheesesteaks from a hit-or-miss restaurant and brewery a few streets away — since, come on. I say hit-or-miss, because this place's pizza is pretty terrible. We had given the restaurant two chances prior, because I can see how someone can screw up a pizza (ahem — bad crust), but a cheesesteak? Impossible.
Of course, I was horribly mistaken. Twenty minute later, I unwrapped some sticky foil to see some meat piled on bread. Oh yes, my friends — they forgot to include the cheese. My sandwich was simply "a steak."
Yes, it ruined my night. And believe me, I'm used to smiling through a lot of horrible situations. I paid $8 for something that was not as advertised. It's like buying a house, and then realizing it's truly just a detached garage.
For some, this might be an overreaction. If you're used to eating "hamburgers," you probably fall into this category. But for others (like me), the cheese omission is a massive fail. That's because, as mentioned before, cheese and I are buddies. It's gotten me through a lot of rough, poor times in the past, and I'll stand by it forever.
If you're questioning whether or not you're also BFFs with cheese, here are a few signs.
1. You snack on cheese slices between every meal
In your eyes, all cheese is created equal — even if it's not deli fresh. Single slices are portable, and absolutely essential in a grilled cheese sandwich. One single makes for a perfect snack, and won't spoil dinner. Like a true friend, it doesn't want you to wash an extra dish on its behalf.
Plus, face it. If you allowed yourself to snack on a pure cheddar cube, you'd lose all control.
2. Spare cheese in a pizza box makes your heart hurt
If you're at a party and see a cheese glob fall back into the box after someone serves themselves, you immediately call dibs. Why do you need extra cheese, when you're about to eat a large mass of cheese? Well, because it's cheese. In your head, you remind yourself to "leave no man behind."
3. The cheese popcorn is the first to disappear in your holiday trio
Butter, caramel, and cheese — it's a delightful gift to get from that person who really doesn't know you well enough to get you anything else. Yet, you'd be fine if all three compartments were filled with just the cheese variety. That's the one that makes you happy, and that's the one you looked forward to most after receiving the tin.
There's a chance you've even let the others go stale, in the time between getting the tin and pondering what else you could use the tin for. (Face it: You won't use the tin for anything else. Just throw it out.)
4. Restaurant nachos offend you
Ever notice how when you order nachos, all of the toppings are clumped right on top? The cheese should be equally distributed. Just like friendship, every chip should have access to something that improves its quality. Bare chips are just a little lonely without cheese.
When you make nachos at home, it's all about layering. You've mastered the recipe, and you just don't know why fancier eateries haven't caught on yet.
5. Handi-Snacks included that red plastic cheese applicator just to spare you from using your finger for the remaining cheese
You're an adult, and you still eat Handi-Snacks — it's OK. You make the most out of it. You make sure to have enough cheese left after the crackers are long gone for "round two" of snacking. In other words, scraping the leftover cheese from the small crevices of its flimsy plastic home.
It's almost a hobby for you. You can't throw out the package until all of the cheese is gone, and would question an actual human friendship if you saw someone eat it any other way.
6. You tell cheese about your problems, because you know it never judges you
Cheese doesn't question whether or not you've remembered to pay the water bill. Cheese never made you feel guilty about skipping a friend's birthday since you preferred to catch up on the Serial podcast. Cheese will only comfort you, if it can sense you need some comforting.
In fact, Babybels are pretty much like, "Hey, girl. I know you had a tough day. Just take, like, a bushel of me, and chill out. I go well with wine, and nobody has to know that I'm the only component of your dinner tonight. It's all good."
7. You've never met a cheese you didn't like
I mean, Swiss might not be everyone's favorite, but you'd never openly reject it. If only human friends could be that way. Just imagine — you suddenly meet like, 12 different varieties of friends, and have the feeling of "I love all of you! Seriously. Some more than others, but none of you have red flag qualities. You're all terrific, and we'll be in each other's lives forever."
Also, you like the fact that cheese never changes. Cheese never stopped hanging out with you since she met some new guy, and then suffered a personality change, and then expected you to be there for her again when she realized that the guy actually had secret children. Cheese is just cheese. And you love it for that.