There’s an old saying that a woman’s biggest sex organ is between her ears and, I gotta say, I think that’s a true truism. I can say from personal experience that distracting thoughts during sex crop up pretty much every time I’m getting down and while I’m usually pretty good at pushing them away, sometimes my brain gets stuck on loop and it’s hard to get back to the business at hand. My partner picks up on my distraction, I get bummed out; it’s basically like a female form of erectile dysfunction.
But you can’t shut down your brain, unless you get blackout drunk or super messed up on drugs, neither of which is a great solution if you’re having sex regularly. (Trust me: I’ve been there.) The solution to quieting your brain is going to be different for every woman but some possibilities include cutting down the amount of stress in your life, working meditation or “quiet time” into your day (no screens either!), and learning how to recognize those distracting thoughts and push them away immediately.
Another solution? Fantasize! Replace those distracting thoughts with sexy thoughts and all of sudden your annoying brain-sex-organ is no longer keeping you from getting off but actually pushing you toward it.
But, girl, I feel you. Sometimes those thoughts just crop up and you’re like, “Ugggghhhhhhhhhh, noooooo!” Here are 12 of those distracting thoughts that might come up next time you’re getting busy, catalogued here so that you know how to recognize them when they appear and banish them to whence they came.
1. What Your Boobs/Butt/Anything Looks Like
We live in a very image-conscious society and most of us grew up watching porn probably before we should have. As a result, there are certain images in all of our minds of what someone having sex “should” look like.
Banish them! You are not a porn star! (Unless you are a porn star, I guess, but that’s the subject of another article.) Your body is awesome just the way it is and the person you’re having sex with chose to have sex with you in that body. It doesn’t matter if your boobs/butt/thighs are “perfect” because they are perfectly you.
2. The Fact That Curtains Are Open
This is one that I always freak out about. If the curtains are open and a neighbor could see me doing it (or, honestly, even if not), I get hella self-conscious. But you know what? My neighbors are almost never around and stopping the makeout sesh to close the curtains is a super mood killer. Leave ‘em open and if you’re really concerned, get under the covers!
3. Whether You're Making The “Right” Sounds
Whatever sounds your body wants to make — whether it’s a moan, a scream, a whisper, or a queef — are the sounds your body wants to make. Let your body do its thing naturally and your partner will undoubtedly notice your genuineness and the fact that you’re present, both of which are super hot.
Also, see above regarding “You’re not a porn star.”
No thinking about work! Leave work at work! Unless you have a super hot boss or wicked secretary fantasies, stressing about work has no place in the bedroom.
5. Whether You’re Going To Come
Sometimes you’ll come and sometimes you won’t. Both of those things is fine! When you worry about whether or not you’re going to make it to the finish line, you’re distracting yourself from the things that will get you to the finish line in the first place. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself and I bet you’ll find that coming is suddenly a whole lot easier.
6. Whether Your Partner Is Going To Come
A common myth is that men always want to have sex and that they’re always going to orgasm. The reality is that sometimes men don’t want to have sex and sometimes they don’t orgasm. Him not coming doesn’t mean you’re a bad lover or you’re unattractive or you did something wrong: it just means he’s not going to come this time. This is a hard one to get over but your stressing about his orgasm isn’t going to bring it on any faster.
Instead, focus on being an attentive lover. Pay attention to what’s working — and what isn’t. The fastest way to bring on his orgasm is by helping him get there, not using your super-worrier-mind powers.
And if you’re doing it with a lady? The same applies.
7. What You Have To Do Later
Put all of that business right out of your head, girl. There is time for that and there is time for this and right now you wanna be focusing on the this. The kitchen can stay dirty for another twenty minutes; trust me.
8. Whether The Neighbors Can Hear You
To them, I have one thing to say:
9. Why The Dog Is Looking At You Like That
Put the dog out of the room. That’s gross.
10. Your Grandma
OK, so this one is half joking (because, for real, stop thinking about Grams when you’re having sex) but also serious because I want to talk about the fact that sometimes random people or thoughts that are really not sexy pop into your head when you’re getting it on. These are the ones that you need to be careful to not get hung up on, ‘cause they are major lady boner killers for sure.
So if Gram or Gramps’ face pops up when you’re hooking up? Just immediately push them out of your head. I mean literally picture yourself pushing the image away and replacing it with something more appropriate. There is no place for that business when you’re getting down to business!
11. Past Bad Experiences
Uff, this is a hard one. So many women have experienced sexual assault and it makes sense that those memories can be triggered during a new sexual experience. While I don’t have any advice from my arsenal of personal experience for this one, the most I can say is: be kind to yourself. Sharubg your triggers with your partner is a good way to make sure that these thoughts don’t crop up as easily and will help your new partner navigate what may be pretty murky waters.
But if those thoughts do become too much? It’s OK to stop.
12. That Spot On The Ceiling
If that’s the most interesting thing going on for you right now, you need to get your partner to step up their game. Now.
If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, watch the sex myths you believed as a child below (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube page for more videos):
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