I really don't like shorts and in all honesty, they haven't graced my legs in years. I don't just hate wearing shorts for aesthetic reasons, though. I loathe everything about how I feel in them. Shorts are uncomfortable. They dig into places I didn't even know I had. They make my ass crack sweat. They never fit properly. And I just can't pull off a camel toe. Every body is a short shorts body, of course, but this specific body just doesn't like them.
Not being a shorts-wearer is pretty easy through the autumn, winter, and spring. Anyone who is a true and dedicated shorts enthusiast will probably still rock them with tights and no one will bat an eye about the sartorial choice despite it not being "shorts weather." Everyone who doesn't like 'em can just opt for jeans, dresses with tights, or leggings. When the sun comes out, however, and everyone and their nan is donning their favorite pair of shorts, the pressure is on. It's not like there are groups of shorts fans stopping me in the street and inquiring as to where the hell my shorts are, but I've definitely gotten my fair share of "aren't you boiling, though" comments.
So what's it really like to live through three peak months of summer weather? Here are seven things my fellow shorts-haters will probably relate to.
1. You're Probably Going To Feel Left Out
OK, just because I am somebody who doesn't wear shorts doesn't mean that I am somebody who doesn't appreciate shorts. Even though I know I'd ultimately be fidgeting miserably all day if I did don a pair, I can't help but feel a little envious of the care free vibe shorts seem to offer some folks.
2. And You'll Envy The No-Chafe Situation Of Short-Wearers
Sure, you can get a little chub rub in some pairs of shorts, but you will always chafe in a skirt or a dress. It isn't fair!
3. Planning Your Outfits Can Be A Nightmare
My friend went to a festival with one pair of denim shorts and a bunch of different shirt options. She was set. Denim shorts go with everything, but people would notice (and probably voice some nasty opinions) if I wore the same dress all season.
4. And Bending Over In Skirts/Dresses Is Even Worse
No matter how teeny tiny your short shorts are, they're pretty much guaranteed to be covering your, erm, crack at all times. A skirt the same length? You're going to have to perfect some kind of squatting system for picking things up, just to avoid baring all to the world.
5. Body Positivity Issues Are Unavoidable
My aversion to shorts makes me have a philosophical debate with myself every summer. Am I not wearing them because I don't like them or am I not wearing them because of some deeper body image issue? Who knows?
6. And Your Jeans Are Friggin Sweltering
Sometimes your cute new T-shirt just won't match with any of your skirts or any of the skirts in the world. So you rock it with your best pair of jeans and immediately regret the decision as soon as you step into the summer heat. I inevitably suffer through it 'cause I look damn good in this outfit.
7. Summer Shopping Sucks, But Luckily Fall Is Always Nearby
When late summer hits and all my favorite stores are selling the cutest damn hot pants on sale, I definitely experience a twinge of jealousy. I wish retailers would sell just as many different styles of skirts.
Well, it's times like these that help reify the beauty of experiencing different seasons. If you don't like a seasonal style, chances are the pressure to wear it will be totally dead three months down the line. And praise hands to that.