How To Sext Using Slang From The 1800s, Because "Lally-Cooler" Can Absolutely Mean Blow Job

I think one of the most embarrassing things to remember about being a kid and a teenager is the slang words we thought were cool. Or rather, dope. Nothing separates generation from generation like their informal vocabulary; I used to cringe when my mom said “grass” instead of “weed” or even when she tried to use current words. Stop it, Mom! You’re such a loser! At this point I’ve pretty much given up on keeping up with what the cool kids are saying (I absolutely had to google “on fleek” and “finna”) because, well, I’m approaching 30 and just don’t really care about sounding cool anymore. Totally lame, right?

However! However, however, however — I’ve decided to flip the slang game and start utilizing really, really old slang. I’m not even talking “old” like the ‘60s or the Jazz Age, ‘cause everyone already knows what “groovy” and “hip” mean. Nope, thanks to a recent piece on NPR, I’ve decided to take it all the way back to the 1800s and, because I’m a sex writer, I’m going to apply these lost slang terms to a completely modern form of communication: sexting.

While NPR gave their own SFW examples that used the actual definitions of the words, I’m going to take a slightly different approach. Each term is presented with its actual definition, the example NPR gave, and then my own, sexier interpretation. Enjoy!

1. Too High For His Nut

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NPR: beyond someone's reach. "That clay-bank hog wants the same pay as a Senator; he's getting too high for his nut," according to a grammar-corrected version of the Oakland, Calif., Tribune on Jan. 12, 1885.

Me: whiskey dick. "Don't drink to much, baby, because I want you to come over and bang me senseless afterward but you know it can't happy if you're too high for your nut."

2. Bottom Fact

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NPR: an undisputed fact. "Notwithstanding all the calculations of the political economists, the great bottom fact is that one man's honest, steady work, rightly applied, especially if aided by machinery and improved modes of conveyance and distribution, suffices to supply the actual needs of a dozen burdensome loafers," according to the Brooklyn Daily Eagle of Jan. 31, 1871.

Me: a big, juicy butt. "Tonight I'm going to let you get all up in that bottom fact."

3. To be Chicagoed

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NPR: to be beaten soundly, as in a baseball shutout. "Political corruption ... if the clergy only keep to that topic, Lincoln will be Chicagoed!" from the Plymouth, Ind., Weekly Democrat of June 7, 1860.

Me: to have sex after eating a lot of deep dish pizza. “Come on over, baby, and we’ll get Chicagoed in my living room.”

4. See The Elephant

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NPR: to see all the sights of a town, especially the edgier aspects. "A young Sioux Indian from Haskell Institute ... said he was going to Chicago to hunt buffalo. He was told there was no game of that kind there, but that if he wanted to see the elephant he was on the right track," the Lawrence, Kan., Daily Journal reported on Sept. 2, 1891. Also sometimes used by members of the military to describe going to war.

Me: to see someone’s penis. “Oooo, yeah, send me a pic — you know I love to see that elephant.”

5. How Came You So

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NPR: inebriated. Describing an illustration, a reporter in the Gettysburg, Pa., People's Press of May 22, 1835, wrote: "A gentleman a little 'how came you so' with his hat on the back of his head, is staggering about in the presence of Miss Fanny, who appears to be quite shocked.”

Me: to ejaculate strongly. “I love it when you how came you so on my tits.”

6. Lally-Cooler

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NPR: a real success. "That north show window of Shute & Haskell's is a 'lally-cooler,' " the Jan. 4, 1890, Salina, Kan., Republican noted.

Me: a blow job. “I love the way your wet lips feel when you’re giving me a hot lally-cooler.”

7. Shinning Around:

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NPR: moving about quickly. "It is shinning around corners to avoid meeting creditors that is sapping the energies of this generation," opined the Dallas, Texas, Daily Herald on Oct. 31, 1877.

Me: frottage (rubbing genitals together) “All I can think about is shinning around with you later tonight.”

8. Shoddyocracy

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NPR: people who get rich selling shoddy merchandise or services. "A lady of the shoddyocracy of Des Moines found, on returning from a walk, some call cards on her table," observed the Harrisburg, Pa., Telegraph of June 30, 1870.

Me: low-class sex shop. “I stopped at the shoddyocracy today and got you some dirty, sexy lingerie that you’re going to wear for me tonight.

9. Some Pumpkins

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NPR: a big deal. "If there was any kind of trading," noted the Grant County Herald in Wisconsin on July 17, 1847, "in which Simon B. ... flattered himself he was decidedly 'some pumpkins,' it was a horse-trade.”

Me: breasts. “I want to take those some pumpkins and rub myself between them until I how came you so.”

10. Like Thompson's Colt

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NPR: doing something unnecessarily, like jumping a fence when the rails have been removed. "Thompson's colt," a reporter in the Saint Paul, Minn., Globe of Nov. 20, 1882, wrote, "was such an infernal idiot, that he swam across the river to get a drink."

Me: a young, inexperienced person. "I'm going to break you in like Thompson's colt tonight."

11. Tell A Thumper

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NPR: construct a clever lie. "When anyone told a thumper more palpably outrageous than usual, it was sufficiently understood ..." Reminiscences of the Turf by William Day, 1891.

Me: kiss and tell. “I’ll let you shin around and how came you so on my some pumpkins as long as you promise not to tell a thumper.”

12. Wake Snakes

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NPR: get into mischief. "So I went on a regular wake snakes sort of a spree, and I went here and there turnin', twistin' and doublin' about until I didn't know where or who I was," a man testified in court as to why he was intoxicated, according to the New Orleans, La., Times Picayune of Aug. 15, 1842.

Me: turn multiple guys on at once. “I want you to walk around in a short dress with no panties on and bend over as often as you can so that you wake snakes all over town.”

If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, watch the sex myths you believed as a child below (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube page for more videos):

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Images: Giphy (12); Charmaine Zoe's Marvelous Melange/Flickr