24 Absurd Things In 'Aquamarine,' The Best Terrible Mermaid Film Of All Time
When it comes to little mermaids and the subsequent films they inspire, most people love to turn to the Disney classic. I, however, prefer the 2006 tween gem Aquamarine . Oh, have you never heard of Aquamarine? It’s an adorably terrible movie about the friendship between Unfabulous-era Emma Roberts, pop star for a second JoJo, and Sara Paxton as the eponymous Aquamarine. If you haven't seen it, don't worry. It's your lucky day, because it just so happens the subject of another summertime bad movie rewatch.
Let me walk you through the story: BFFs Claire and Hailey are in emotional turmoil, because it’s looking like Hailey and her mom are moving to Australia. But wait. A deus ex machina arrives in the guise of the mermaid Aquamarine, who says she’ll grant them a wish if they can help her prove to her father that love exists. Aquamarine has fallen head over tail for Claire and Hailey’s lifeguard crush Raymond. As he becomes smitten with the fantastical blonde, it looks like Claire and Hailey will get their wish — that is, unless mean girl Cecilia throws a wrench in their plans.
Wow, that had to be the most earnest of all my scathing recaps. Needless to say, I’m a fan. But given that it's a tween film about a mermaid finding love in three days, it’s appropriately bad. So enjoy this chronological recap of the silliest things from Aquamarine.
1. Hailey's oversized shirt at the beach is weird enough, but can we just recognize that Claire is wearing a cardigan.
She's going to make a great dowdy protagonist of a rom-com one day.
2. The mean girls in this film are a good four or five or nine years older than the tweenage protagonists.
It marks a real sadist streak in them, y'know?
3. When the local serial killer switches it to Wumbo.
4. Claire sees Aquamarine in the pool and she's all, "OMG, there's a shark in the water!"
You know how sharks are known for their beautiful blonde hair.
5. "Hailey, how am I supposed to face eighth grade without you?"
Given that that's the year they're eligible for the Hunger Games, I would say Hailey's dodging a bullet.
5. Aquamarine, who has had legs for five minutes, somehow has the flexibility that none of us have achieved, despite all of our Yoga-ing.
I still can't touch my toes, guys.
6. Aquamarine has a shell phone.
7. "He doesn't love me. How can he not love me?"
I think the same thing when I talk to the hottest 19-year-old barista at my local Starbucks.
8. "I was named Aquamarine after a rare and precious gemstone, whereas Cecilia, translated, means 'dim-sighted.'"
The technical translation is "blind," but sick burn, nonetheless.
9. Aquamarine turns to stacks of lady mags to learn about love and men.
She's still utterly clueless after reading them.
10. The face everyone makes when they get free food.
11. In Florida, a pool-friendly oasis, the most convenient place to store Aquamarine is a freaking water tower.
12. Hailey, who is like 13 years old, max, somehow made $400 working at an Aquarium.
Which is enough to afford bus fare, getting their hair done, manicures, and three new dresses. Gotta love that lack of child labor laws.
13. Then Hailey, who just got her hair done, ruins it to get Aquamarine some starfish earrings.
The dolphin ride is the tradeoff.
14. "Who needs Raymond? I found two new men to love. Their names are Ben and Jerry."
Plus one because YAAAAAS Phish Food. Minus 900 because of the puns upon puns.
15. The anatomical logistics of this.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE YOUR LEGS OUT OF THE TUB, ANYWAY?
16. One minion just disappears randomly halfway through the film.
And the other two minions aren't even really sure why they're being mean anymore.
17. Aquamarine responds by spitting on them.
How very Sid Vicious of her.
18. Presented without comment.
19. The fact that the girl's even have to request Weezer.
Like Oasis' "Champagne Supernova" or Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water," "Island in the Sun" is a song that just manifests into any stock band's set list.
20. Cecilia ruins her dad's career by being the girl who cried mermaid.
And her only punishment is having her car keys taken away.
She's not pleased.
21. When the serial killer returns Aquamarine's necklace, and she's all, "You know, when you help a mermaid, you get a wish." UM.
So Hailey and Claire, who have been taking her shopping, buying her ice cream, and making leaps and bounds when it comes to setting her up with the guy who they like, aren't doing enough. But this guy just needed to return a goddamn piece of jewelry?
Dick move, Aquamarine.
22. WHEN THE MOVIE IS BLESSED WITH GLORIOUS REALISM.
"Do you love me?"
"I mean, we've had one date."
23. When the movie pulls a Frozen and Aquamarine gets saved because Claire and Hailey have grown to love her.
24. And when Raymond seems reasonably OK with Aquamarine being a mermaid.
Images: 20th Century Fox (37)