23 Absurd Things In 'Dirty Dancing', Because Just Because It's The Time Of Your Life Doesn't Mean It's Not Silly
When I told my mom that Dirty Dancing was going to be this week's bad movie rewatch, she flew into harried protests of, "But I love Dirty Dancing!" And that's fair, since Dirty Dancing isn't necessarily a bad film. It has a strong-willed, unconventional-looking female protagonist and some semblance of an intriguing plot, and the Dirty Dancing dance scene (how redundant) alone solidifies it as an iconic piece of cinema in its own right. But the same way Grease is side-eye-worthy because it's a '70s film set in the '50s, Dirty Dancing suffers at points because it's an '80s film set in the early '60s. So, anachronisms or otherwise, there are some awkward moments that slip through.
If you've somehow never caught this film before, I'll catch you up. Seventeen-year-old Baby goes on vacation with her family and joins a crowd of workers at the vacation resort. She fills in for the lead dancer, Penny, whilst she's getting an abortion, and falls in love with the other lead dancer, Johnny. Drama happens. As does dancing. And the dancing is dirty.
That's basically it. So, sit back and enjoy all the chronologically documented weirdness from this classic summertime film starring...
26-Year-Old Jennifer Grey ...
...Patrick Swayze (R.I.P. Gorgeous)...
A star-studded cast, really.
1. Baby's sister complains about not bringing her coral shoes, and their dad's like, "This isn't a tragedy. A tragedy is three men trapped in a mine or police dogs used in Birmingham."
Early on, it's established that Baby's dad is that Facebook friend who won't let you have a first world problem just once.
Her face is all, "You know what, Dad? If you're not going to physically help feed starving children in Africa, then just let me complain about the damn wait at Applebee's."
2. "I want you girls to know: If it were not for this man, I'd be standing here dead."
So it would be, like, a Weekend at Bernie's situation?
3. Dancing lessons begin, and when the guests are instructed to find a man, Baby gets stuck with a 90-year-old woman.
Me at the club.
4. The resort owner's grandson is set up with Baby. He looks like literally every guy you've ever been set up with.
Not deeply unattractive, but he definitely gives off a used car salesman vibe.
5. Baby ends up on the third class deck of the Titanic.
6. Of course she's able to gain entry because of those melons.
But seriously, how weirdly shaped are those things?
7. Baby asks if Johnny and Penny are a couple, and Billy is all like, "No, not since we were kids."
Just for the record, this is how I interact with all of my ex-boyfriends.
8. Baby, trying to impress the guy she likes, shows up the next day in the same sad cardigan from my Yia Yia's closet.
10. The historical accuracy of this movie.
I'm just so glad they got that trademark early '60s feathered hair down.
11. IDK what's going on here exactly, but it feels dirty.
So, you know, true to the title, if nothing else.
12. My two alternating faces while watching this movie:
13. Master problem-solver Johnny breaks his car's window because he locked the keys inside.
And Baby loves it. She's all, "LOL, it's so hot the way you just busted open that window."
14. Presented without comment:
15. Baby, who has known Johnny a week and a half, is all, "You're everything."
In college, she's majoring in Economics of Underdeveloped Countries, and minoring in Dumb Things Teenagers Say.
16. Later on, the two get closer and Johnny admits he's basically banged every rich, attractive female guest there.
And Baby, once again, is like, "OMG that's so sexy. Come over here and let me eat your face."
"NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM."
17. Then they lip sync to each other, because I guess that's what in-love people do?
Incidentally, this is the part of the movie where you'll reluctantly admit that Swayze was hot.
Like, even if you're me and your usual type is "skeletal Trent Reznor wannabes."
18. Anyway, Baby's life basically falls apart, and then her sister hits her with a lot of backhanded compliments and half-efforts to make her feel better.
Like, "I'll do your hair."
And, "You're prettier your way," even though you, me, and God himself know she looks like a straight-up poodle. And then Baby does that really weird smile of hers.
There it is.
19. Once again, the historical accuracy in this film.
Blondie over there makes me feel like I've stepped into a time warp. So authentically Summer of '63. Bleh.
20. And then this happens:
21. And somehow he doesn't get tackled by security.
22. And then everyone joins in perfect synchronization.
Somewhere on the Internet, there's a viral video proposal of this.
23. And finally the dance ends when Johnny Simbas Baby.
Congratulations, Baby. You did it. You did the thing.
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Images: Netflix/Vestron Pictures (35)
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