Pass The Turkey
The Thanksgiving Group Chat Is Going Off The Rails
Mom hates Sophia and said “oops, wrong thread” twice.
Every family has a group chat. Most families shouldn’t.
And never is that group chat more chaotic than during the holidays.
My family’s group chat melts down every November. Every year I consider muting it, if not skipping Thanksgiving altogether. Every year, my mom guilts me about my grandma's age (old). So I stay. Here’s how I expect it to unravel this time around.
Act I: The Calm Before The Casserole
Mom (Wednesday, 9:47 a.m.): Good morning! Just confirming everyone's arrival times for tomorrow. Please respond ASAP so I know how much turkey to buy 🦃
Me (9:52 a.m.): Flight canceled. Rebooking now.
Mom (9:53 a.m.): WHAT!!! 😱
Me (9:53 a.m.): Weather in NJ
Mom (9:53 a.m.): Don’t they know it’s Thanksgiving???
Me (9:54 a.m.): New flight gets in at 11 p.m. tomorrow
Mom (9:55 a.m.): 11 P.M. AT NIGHT??
Me (9:56 a.m.): No, 11 p.m. in the morning
Me (9:57 a.m.): Yes at night
Sam, my brother (10:14 a.m.): i'm bringing someone
Mom (10:15 a.m.): Who
Sam (10:16 a.m.): sophia
Dad (10:17 a.m.): Who?
Sam (10:19 a.m.): my girlfriend. we’ve been over this
Mom (10:20 a.m.): No.
Sam (10:21 a.m.): what?
Mom (10:22 a.m.): There’s not enough turkey.
Sam (10:23 a.m.): i thought you were buying it now
Mom (10:24 a.m.): I did not like that woman. I remember Labor Day.
Mom (10:24 a.m.): Oops sorry wrong thread. 😬
Act II: Road Trip Purgatory
Aunt Carol (11:24 a.m.): We left Florida at 4 a.m.! Making great time! ☀️
Uncle Rick (11:25 a.m.): Carol we've been in the Publix parking lot for 40 minutes 😠
Aunt Carol (11:26 a.m.): 38!
Aunt Carol (11:27 a.m.): I'm letting the GPS recalculate!
Uncle Rick (11:28 a.m.): We haven't moved
Aunt Carol (11:29 a.m.): RECALCULATING 😡
Sam (11:37 a.m.): sophia’s vegan and gluten-free. is there anything she can eat?
Mom (11:42 a.m.): Water. And we don’t have space.
Me (12:15 p.m.): Update: New flight also canceled
Mom (12:16 p.m.): Do you need me to call the airline? I’ll call the airline.
Me (12:17 p.m.): Please, God, no
Me (12:18 p.m.): Trying to get on one that arrives Friday morning!
Sam (12:19 p.m.): so you're missing thanksgiving?
Me (12:22 p.m.): Yeah don’t save me any turkey
Sam (12:24 p.m.): definitely space for sophia then!
Aunt Carol (1:47 p.m.): UPDATE: We're in Georgia!
Uncle Rick (1:48 p.m.): We're in South Carolina
Aunt Carol (1:49 p.m.): The GPS says Georgia
Uncle Rick (1:50 p.m.): We’re in South Carolina
Grandma (2:23 p.m.): I'm making tuna casserole 🐟
Mom (2:24 p.m.): Mother, it's THANKSGIVING. And everyone hates that casserole.
Sam (2:25 p.m.): can you use chickpeas instead of tuna? for sophia?
Mom (2:26 p.m.): No, we can’t change your grandmother’s casserole. Everyone loves it.
Dad (2:26 p.m.): What time is the game tomorrow 🏈
Mom (2:27 p.m.): DEREK I'M HAVING A CRISIS ‼️
Dad (2:28 p.m.): Oh, sweetie. Sorry 😬
Act III: Pumpkin Pies & Petty Goodbyes
Mom (3:27 p.m.): Who’s doing pumpkin pie? 🥧
Me (3:28 p.m.): Me!
Mom (3:29 p.m.): You’re not getting in until Friday. You should’ve let me call the airline.
Me (3:30 p.m.): Ohhh you mean who’s making it. I thought you mean who wanted it
Mom (5:30 p.m.): IMPORTANT: Dinner tomorrow is at 4 PM. I'm making turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, rolls, butter, brussel sprouts. Mother is bringing tuna casserole. Carol, bring wine. 🍷
Sam (5:35 p.m.): sophia can’t eat any of that
Me (5:55 p.m.): I got off the waitlist for Thursday! Arriving at noon
Mom (5:56 p.m.): So you can make dinner?!
Me (5:57 p.m.): Yes
Mom (5:58 p.m.): Well, no space for Sophia, then. 😏
Aunt Carol (8:47 p.m.): We're in Virginia! Only 4 hours away!
Uncle Rick (8:48 p.m.): We're 8 hours away
Aunt Carol (8:49 p.m.): Not if you go faster 🚙💨
Mom (10:02 p.m.): I'm going to bed.
Sam (10:35 p.m.): sophia got mad about the casserole and dumped me
Mom (10:37 p.m.): It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! 🎉
Mom (10:38 p.m.): Oops sorry wrong thread. 🙃
