11 Signs Your Partner Isn’t Your Soulmate, Even If You Love Them
Sometimes, love isn't enough. It's sad, but true. Sure, you might feel emotionally invested in your partner, but it's totally possible that you're really just not meant to be together. If you're seeing signs your partner isn't your soulmate earlier on in the relationship might halt it sooner than you'd like, but it'll save you wasted years (which is far worse, I think). While a breakup might be tough, the sadness will pass, and you'll be able to better connect with someone new.
As a certified health coach, I work with clients on finding happiness in their relationships, and often those include romantic ones. Of course, everyone wants to find their "person" in life, a partner who has seen you at your worst and best and still loves and accepts you equally. Yet, it can be super tricky to gain reassurance that your partner is in fact filling that void, as you can never really plan how smoothly the partnership will last down the road. Overall, I've learned it's best to trust your gut. Personally, I ended a five and a half year relationship about three months ago; we called each other the other's "person" all the time, but deep down we both know we weren't meant to be. The weird thing? I finally feel like myself again and am eager for what lies ahead. The best advice I can give? Take the plunge in order to find real happiness with that special someone, wherever he or she may be and whenever you find each other. Here are 11 signs your partner isn't your soulmate, and you should move on.
1. You No Longer Have Fun Together
If the sense of adventure and spontaneity has disappeared from your relationship, and a Netflix night at home becomes a daily phenomenon (and no longer seems fun), it could mean you're not meant to be together. If there's "little or no laughter, little or no feeling of connection, and no common interests at all," says Stacy Kaiser, Live Happy Editor at large and psychotherapist to Bustle, you're not each other's "person."
2. There's No Sexual Chemistry
It's natural to go through ruts or to find a decrease in your sex life after enough time together. In the beginning, it might've been hard to keep your hands to yourself, and you might only be having sex a few times a week now, instead. But, if there's no sexual chemistry, no sex whatsoever, and no urge, you're no longer compatible, says Kaiser.
3. You Have Poor Communication
"Your partner sometimes just doesn’t get it. You try to explain things to them and you get a blank stare," says Mature Dating Expert, psychic and spiritual counselor, Davida Rappaport, to Bustle. "What this does is it makes it challenging to communicate from time to time," and poor communication can make it hard for a relationship to work long term.
4. Your Partner Doesn't Want To Improve The Relationship
If you do not feel that your partner completes you, it could be a sign, says Rappaport. You should find the best possible partner you can; someone who loves you and makes you happy. " Most of all, your partner should want to work on your relationship so it becomes better over time," Rappaport says. If you don't see an effort for improvements or general acceptance and compatibility, it could mean you're not mean to be.
5. You're Trying To Fix Them
According to Chad Elliot, confidence and communication coach, and owner of Seattle Improv Classes over email with Bustle, "if you're not excited about spending the rest of your life with them just the way they are, get out now. You don't want to reach the end of your life and regret spending years trying to change someone who just resents your efforts." You can't change your partner (nor should you), so just accept that you're not each other's soulmate.
6. You Wouldn't Do It Over Again
Elliot recommends asking yourself the powerful question: If I could go back in time, would I choose to be with this person again? "Ask yourself, 'If I knew what I know now at the start of our relationship, would I still get into it.' It's easy to fool ourselves into thinking we should stay in a relationship because we've invested time and energy into it," Elliot says.
7. You Feel Stressed Out Around Them
"If the person makes you regularly anxious or uncomfortable instead of peaceful, relaxed and comfortable," says Kaiser, it could mean that he or she isn't your soulmate. Plus, if there's "little or no sense of partnership when it comes to tackling problems or dealing with issues," it means you're not a true team and may keep butting heads in the future.
8. You Can't Trust Them
If there's been a past or current pattern of cheating or lying, and you don't feel as though you can completely trust your partner, it's likely that he or she isn't your soulmate, explains Elliot. "It's just not going to work if they tell you lies, don't keep promises, and cheat on you - no matter how much you care," Elliot says.
9. You Think About Being With Someone Else
Whether you're actually picturing a real, other relationship, or just find yourself envisioning being with another person in general (or a hottie on the street, in passing, perhaps), it could mean you're not meant to be as soulmates, says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, NYC based therapist to Bustle. Here's the difference: "It's human nature to fantasize about what life would be like with someone else. It becomes a problem when you are constantly choosing to daydream about a life with someone else," Hershenson says.
10. You Don't Want To Be Around Them
If you make plans without thinking of your partner - whether it's short term plans or plans for the future, or if you’re intentionally (or even subconsciously) not wanting your partner to participate in your plans, it may be time for you both to move on, says Hershenson. If you're liking solo time or time apart more than you think is normal, it could be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
11. Your Values Differ
"You don't have similar values - Every relationship involves compromise, but if values are too different, it may be time to end the relationship and move on," says Hershenson. If you're not willing to meet in the middle, or you are but it's for too many things (which is totally annoying and happens), it might not be worth it long term. "For Instance, if family is important to you but not to your partner this will become a serious problem," Hershenson uses as an example.
If you notice any of these signs in your relationship, it just means you haven't found your right person yet. Keep looking, as you'll get there (and you'll probably be happier).