Back in the hazy, lazy, crazy days of boy band fandom, very few us were actually paying attention to all of the weirdest boy bands lyrics being crooned into our ears. In fact, most of them went right over our heads. That's because the sort of true love that a young woman has for her favorite boy bands completely destroys her ability to think rationally about them. That means we were too busy praising them and fighting over which band was the superior band to realize that these boy band lyrics were weird, wild, or just downright confusing — and sometimes all of the above.
As kids though, we were all too busy appreciating how good Nick Lachey looked in the rain or trying to imitate Justin Timberlake's best dance moves to ever give a damn whether their lyrics made sense. And, to be honest, that's exactly how the world should be. These lyrics are weird, for sure, but that weirdness doesn't actually detract from how vital these boy bands were to our childhoods.
Besides, our childhoods were often weird, wild, and downright confusing, if not all of the above. So some of these lyrics are pretty on point in expressing that, even, and sometimes especially, when the weirdness levels of some these were well and truly off the charts...
1"My Love Is Insane / Pleasure And Pain / It's Part Of Life / So Live It Up, Baby" ("I Just Wanna Be With You," *NSYNC)
As far as ballads go, bands kind of want to stay clear of insinuating that their feelings border on insanity, or that they may involve as much pain as they do pleasure. Not exactly great selling points.
2"Now This Hot Girl, She's Not Your Average Girl / She's A Morpharotic Dream From A Magazine" ("Liquid Dreams," O-Town)
O-Town invented the term morpharotic to suggest a literal dream girl who can morph into whatever erotic fantasy the band were living with. It's... a lot.
3"Shooby Doo-Wap & Scooby Snacks, I Met A Fly Girl And I Can't Relax" ("Girl On TV," LFO)
We could all cope with the shooby doo-wap. Hell, we could probably all deal with the Scooby snacks, too. But both of them together? Leading up to a bold statement of lovelorn anguish? Weird AF.
4"You Can’t Go To Bed Without A Cup Of Tea And Maybe That’s The Reason That You Talk In Your Sleep" ("Little Things," One Direction)
The strange, bizarre musings of a British boy band, ladies and gentlemen.
5"Can You Push My Hand Down There/ Can I Put My Hand Down There" ("Can I Touch You There," 98 Degrees)
That's a hard nope from over here.
6"We'll Make The Sexy Sounds/ If We Set It Off Tonight" ("Can I Touch You There," 98 Degrees)
Just imagine being on a date with someone, and their only pick-up line for getting to third base is to tell you that you can both, "make the sexy sounds" together later. That's another hard nope from over here.
7"I Lose My Mind Just When You're Speaking / I See You On The Screen, I Get To Freaking" ("Digital Get Down," *NSYNC)
"Get to freaking" is a blatant euphemism for an act that nobody wants their other half to start doing on FaceTime. Especially when you're just trying to hold down a basic conversation, for crying out loud.
8"We're Gonna Put You In A Trance With A Funky Song, 'Cause You Gotta Be Hangin' Tough" ("Hangin' Tough," New Kids On The Block)
Imagine a world where fights are won by putting your opponent in a funky trance. It would be a better world by far, but it's still a weird lyric.
9"You About To Be My Main Squeeze/ Take Trips, Cop Shiny Things" ("Bump Bump Bump," B2K)
Introducing the core three advantages of being a B2K babe: being squeezed, being on vacation, and being shiny.
10"Shot Me Out Of The Sky, You’re My Kryptonite" ("One Thing," One Direction)
This lyric is both weird and illogical. Fair enough, the boys are trying to suggest that this girl is their weakness. But being shot out of the sky? It wouldn't happen to Superman, and it most definitely wouldn't happen to 1D.
11"Plant A Seed, Plant A Flower, Plant A Rose/ You Can Plant Any One Of Those/ Keep Planting To Find Out Which One Grows/ It's A Secret No One Knows" ("MMMBop," Hanson)
Pretty sure a rose is a flower. Also pretty sure that a seed is the one that will grow. None of which is a secret. All of which is basic science.
12"So This Is Where The Story Ends/ A Conversation On IM/ Well I'm Done With Texting / Sorry For The Miscommunication" ("S.O.S." Jonas Brothers)
Total millennial heartache.
13"I'll Never Walk Again 'Til You Come Back To Me / I'm Down On Bended Knees" ("On Bended Knee," Boyz II Men)
That's some savage emotional labor Boyz II Men are inflicting upon their lady there.
14"I Be Up Up Away Above The Rim/ And Hook A Shot / Alley Oop Baby" ("Slam Dunk Da Funk," 5ive)
Is this some kind of basketball metaphor for sex? Because, if so, wow.
At times the lyrics were gross, at other times they were unpleasant, and all the time they were just downright perplexing. But, weird or not, the majority of these songs are still the greatest, and they're probably now all stuck in your head. You're welcome.