15 Alexis Stories From 'Schitt's Creek' So Wild, You Have To Hear Them Twice

Courtesy of Pop

At first glance, Alexis Rose (Annie Murphy) is your boilerplate rich, white girl. She's always wearing some kind of fringe, looks perpetually Coachella-ready, and even shared her first kiss with Jared Leto. But beneath her perfectly sun-kissed balayage is a treasure trove of bonkers tales, which mainly involve her getting kidnapped in a foreign country. Alexis' stories on Schitt's Creek reveal how unorthodox her life has been, between killing people with her line of edible nail polish ("David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free!") and driving her car into a Prada store on Rodeo Drive.

As a (former) spoiled kid with a trust fund, Alexis is used to jet-setting around the globe, and it's been made clear that her family wasn't paying much attention to all the antics that came with that. But although her travels abroad had their fair share of dangerous moments, Alexis doesn't seem fazed. She tells her brother that she was always safe, and refers to her love interests as "a selection of very confident, international men." And while it's hard to picture Alexis doing anything so carefree, let's not forget that Us Weekly once described her as "up for anything." Her stories are proof of that, if nothing else.

Boy Problems

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Season 1, Episode 1. "He's broken up with me five times already," Alexis tells David about her ex-boyfriend, Stavros. "Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time that he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring? And then, last summer, that time that he left his Molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?"

Two Truths & A Thai Drug Lord

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Season 1, Episode 4. When the Roses decide to play Two Truths and a Lie to get to know each other better, Alexis reveals something troubling about herself. "My eyes are brown, I'm basically sample size," she begins, "and one time, I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car truck by bribing him with sex." And although her eyes are actually blue, Alexis tells her parents not to worry — "Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money."

Her Involuntarily Royal Tryst

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Season 1, Episode 11. When Alexis tells Mutt (Tim Rozon) that her relationship with Ted is the longest one she's had "voluntarily," the mayor's son is naturally confused. "The actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince," she explains matter-of-factly. "But for the last two months of that, I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy."

The Somali Pirate Mishap

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Season 2, Episode 1. When David goes missing en route to New York, the Roses set out to find him. "Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?" Alexis asks her parents, who seem unconcerned.

A Case for the FBI

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Season 2, Episode 1. After the Roses rescue David from the miserable Amish family, he asks why nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing. "I didn't go missing, David," she corrects her brother. "The FBI knew where I was the entire time."

Alexis' Very Particular Set of Skills

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Season 2, Episode 4. Mutt is surprised to learn that Alexis doesn't know how to ride a bike, but she points out that she has plenty of other talents. "Like, have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic?" she asks her boyfriend. "It is very difficult. And try getting into Kiss Kiss in Tokyo without a lock of human hair." Your move, Mutt.

The Escape Artist

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Season 2, Episode 7. "In case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard," Alexis advises her brother as he sets out for a seedy bar.

Her South African Exploits

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Season 2, Episode 8. "It's just a checkpoint, OK?" Alexis tells Johnny (Eugene Levy) and Roland (Chris Elliott), who have contraband raw milk in the bed of their truck. "I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg. It's like a drive-through, except everybody has a gun." When her dad asks when she was in South Africa, she answers, "I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off."

The Sultan's Nephew

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Season 2, Episode 10. "I once dated this sultan's nephew, who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me," Alexis tells a client at work. "And we made it work for like, half a regime change."

Seducing Government Officials

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Season 2, Episode 12. "Um, I'm sorry, were you picked up by the South Korean secret police on New Year's?" Alexis asks her brother, facetiously. "I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight."

Parallel Parking In A Burka

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Season 3, Episode 4. "I have my license in seven different countries, and I have my F Class," Alexis tells David.

"Isn't that for transport trucks?" her brother asks, incredulous.

"I had a lot of people to move!" she responds. A bit later, when David accuses her of flirting her way into things, Alexis retorts, "OK, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that."

Her First-Day-Of-School Speech

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Season 3, Episode 7. "I did not finish high school," Alexis explains to Jocelyn's (Jennifer Robertson) English class. "It’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like, a ton of mushrooms."

Her *Other* Royal Tryst

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Season 3, Episode 7. When Alexis' class begins studying Marie Antoinette, she decides to interject with her own applicable anecdote. "My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, 'Is she going to be a princess?' thing," Alexis proudly shares. "But it's also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard."

The High-Stakes Pool Game

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Season 4, Episode 8. When asked how she's so good at pool, Alexis responds, "You learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom."

The High-Heeled Yakuza Caper

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Season 5, Episode 2. When Alexis arrives at Ted's apartment wearing high heels, he points out that she can't run in those shoes. "Tell that to me at 21, escaping the Yakuza," she tells him slyly.

Alexis' international escapades may be over, but life in Schitt's Creek has been its own unpredictable adventure. After all, where else could she experience the adrenaline rush of getting lice, dating a small-town veterinarian, or sleeping every night at the Rosebud Motel? And now that Season 5 is finally airing, who knows what other priceless gems we'll hear from Alexis this time around. Yay, David!