17 David Quotes From 'Schitt's Creek' So Scathing, You Won't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
While David Rose has a penchant for the sarcastic, Schitt's Creek diehards know that deep down, he really cares about his friends and family. Not only does he help Moira film her audition for The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening, but he gives Alexis endless relationship advice, albeit reluctantly. He even lends Johnny some of his hard-earned money when the Rose patriarch hits a financial rough patch. However, that doesn't make David's most scathing quotes on Schitt's Creek any less devastating.
Perhaps the only person who can return David's shade is Stevie, whose deadpan delivery often rivals his own. However, David's put-downs double as his way of expressing affection — the meaner they are, the more he loves you. Furthermore, it's not always what David says as much as the way he says it. His melodramatic facial expressions are second to none, and his creative intonations are often the cherry on top of an already deeply sarcastic remark. So although he and Stevie may wish each other "Best wishes" and "Warmest regards," they may as well be telling each other to eat glass. In honor of his biting humor, here are David's 17 best insults, which are directed at people, objects, and occasionally himself.
1. On the Town of Schitt's Creek
Season 1, Episode 1. "What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to galavant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir, loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!" David screams at Alexis, upon learning that she's jumping ship to be with Stavros.
2. On Johnny's Dickensian "Night Shirt"
Season 1, Episode 2. When Johnny and Moira discover a leak in their ceiling, Mr. Rose comes storming into his children's room wearing some unfortunate pajamas. "You might want to rethink the nightgown first — there's a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening," David tells his dad. "My best to Bob Cratchit."
3. On Tailgating
Season 1, Episode 2. When Stevie invites David to a local hangout, he disrespectfully declines, citing (feigned) fear for his safety.
4. On Stevie's Car
Season 1, Episode 4. David tells Stevie that a pair of his pants cost $850, which the motel employee says is more than her vehicle.
5. On His Physique
Season 1, Episode 4. Stevie and David have sex under a ceiling mirror, and the bird's eye view proves to be a bit too much for them.
6. On His Parents' Sex Life
Season 1, Episode 5. David is naturally scarred after walking in on his parents in a compromising situation. "Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning!" he exclaims, unable to meet their eyes.
7. On How to Hack It In New York
Season 1, Episode 13. When the Roses briefly sell Schitt's Creek, David plans to return to New York, asking Stevie to go with him. She replies that she wouldn't even know what to do with herself in such a big city, but David has some simple advice.
8. On Alexis
9. On Blouse Barn's "Skanky" Clothes
Season 2, Episode 4. When Roland wants Jocelyn to dress like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, he enlists David's help. "Well this might be the closest we're going to get to Meryl," he says, holding up a dress at the Blouse Barn. "You know, if she got fired from her job at the magazine and started walking the streets."
10. On Roland's Personal Style
Season 2, Episode 11. "There's a collection of undershirts hang-drying outside of my room," a disturbed David tells Stevie. "Is there any way they could be removed? Or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?"
11. On His Father's Legacy
Season 3, Episode 9. After a drunken night schmoozing with local politicians, Moira and Roland accidentally sleep in the same bed together. David jokes that the town mayor will be their new father, assuring Johnny that he'll never forget him.
12. On Alexis' Terrible Gaydar
Season 4, Episode 1. After David tells Alexis that he and Patrick kissed, she's unconvinced that the feeling is mutual. Naturally, David doesn't take kindly to his sister's (thankfully unfounded) suspicions, telling her to fall off a bridge.
13. On Moira's Motherhood Skills
Season 4, Episode 4. After Moira tells her daughter at-length about Ted's new, "striking older lover," David scolds his mother for hurting Alexis' feelings.
14. On His Dad's Fake Phone Conversation
Season 5, Episode 1. Moira calls Johnny while she's filming her Crowening movie in Bosnia, but after she abruptly hangs up, Mr. Rose pretends to keep talking to her. He doesn't fool anyone, and David makes sure to point it out.
15. On Alexis & Ted's "Electric Relationship"
Season 5, Episode 1. David's upset when Alexis claims to have gotten a better score on M'Lady Magazine's "How Electric Is Your Relationship?" quiz from Summer 1991, and responds accordingly.
16. On Patrick's Party-Planning Abilities
Season 5, Episode 5. Patrick plans to host a housewarming party and refuses David's expertise. Naturally, David takes the snub in stride.
17. On Gel Time Moist Liquid's Unique Scent
Season 5, Episode 10. David discovers that his old boss, Wendy, is selling an expensive foot cream that is actually just Gel Time Moist Liquid, 100 percent of which is...moist liquid. The cream has a, um, unique scent, which David illustrates with a colorful simile.
David may be becoming a more kind, compassionate person, but hopefully that doesn't mean his dry sense of humor is going anywhere.