7 Arguments With Your Partner That You Don't Realize Spell Out The End
Chances are, arguing takes place in every romantic relationship sometimes. However, there are certain arguments with your partner that may mean the end, according to relationship experts. These don't mean that a breakup is guaranteed, but they could mean that one will happen soon. Of course, many relationships can benefit from better communication, such as listening to your partner, really listening, and not avoiding bringing up a topic out of fear it will lead to an argument.
"Most arguments usually proceed along a natural pathway, and it's not always a healthy one for the parties who are arguing," Shlomo Zalman Bregman, Rabbi, matchmaker, and relationship expert, tells Bustle. "A disagreement usually begins as something that is relatively small, but since it's rarely dealt with properly at the early stages, it often mushrooms and begets more fighting and side-issues that expand beyond the subject of the original disagreement. Arguments need to be fully dealt with, and this allows the couple to move forward with a fresh slate. While a couple can certainly use an argument as a way of clearing the air and ultimately understanding one another better, sometimes the words that come out of your partner's mouth during a fight are subtle clues that your relationship may be doomed."
Little issues can easily turn to big ones, and additional ones, if they're not dealt with from the get-go. That said, here are seven kinds of arguments to watch out for in your relationship, according to experts.
1. When You Insist On Being Right
It's not always easy to admit when you're wrong, but in a relationship, it's key. Like it or not, no one is right 100 percent of the time, and it's healthy to recognize when you're not. "Arguments about who's right and who's wrong is something to watch out for in your relationship," Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (aka "Dr. Romance"), psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. "Since these issues don't make sense and can't be solved, it leads to endless arguments that create a hostile environment and kill the love between you two. Focus on figuring out what will work instead of who's right."
2. When You Cannot Accept The Other Person's Point-Of-View
It's natural to have different points of view than your significant other, at least some of the time. However, if you find that you cannot accept their POV more often than not, your relationship may be in trouble. "Your first argument sometimes can be your last argument with your partner if you don't have a good way to communicate when you have a disagreement," Stef Safran, matchmaking and dating expert, tells Bustle. "When you finally get over the honeymoon phase, you will find that you have different points of view. The question is if you can accept the other's person's point of view when it conflicts with yours. If you find that you have to have the last word, then it might be an issue."
3. When You No Longer Want The Same Things Out Of Life
Having similar goals is important when it comes to the future you and your partner plan on having together. But if you feel your goals and ambitions no longer align, and you argue regularly about it, it could be an indication that you're no longer a good match. "It's vital that a couple shares a basic, overall picture of how they'd like their lives to unfold — financially, spiritually, lifestyle-wise, and with respect to children," Rabbi Bregman says. "When you have a plan in place, it serves as an irreplaceable 'true north' and helps clarify what each partner should be working towards daily, as well as helps the couple clarify how to make some of the tougher decisions in life. However, once this goes out the window, and one or both people feel, 'I don't think we want the same things out of life anymore,' the end is often near."
4. When You Argue Over Family
For some people, not getting along with each other's families could be a dealbreaker. Other times, you agree to disagree on the issue. And yet other times, your partner's family may reveal things about your partner that you have trouble accepting. "Arguing over family can sometimes end the relationship, as sometimes people realize that perhaps you don't want the same things that you thought you did," Safran says. "For instance, being with family for the holidays can have you find out a lot of information that you might not have known about. Maybe you learn that your significant other is more committed to their family of origin. Maybe you learn that what they are telling you and what they saying to others don't match up."
Dr. Tessina agrees. "Watch out for arguments about extended family which criticize and denigrate a partner's family members," she says. "If your partner feels you hate his or her family, that can extend to hating your partner, too. It's fine to talk about how to deal with each other's families, but be nice about it."
5. When You Argue About Sex
If your physical bond is lacking when it used to be strong, it could spell trouble, especially if it leads to more and more arguments which don't get resolved. "Arguments about sex are usually very telling," Dr. Tessina says. "If you can't communicate verbally, you also won't be able to communicate physically once the initial passion wears off. You need to learn how to communicate about sex, your wants and needs, your likes and dislikes — because your sex life will change as you stay together — and you need to be able to negotiate the changes with non-competitive communication."
6. When Your Arguing Is Destructive, Not Healthy
You may be thinking: How can arguing be healthy? But you probably know the difference between calmly and rationally discussing an issue with your partner versus having a screaming match. "When it comes to arguing, it is more about *how* you argue," Rachel Needle, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in West Palm Beach, FL, tells Bustle. "Disagreements should be expected in partnerships. However, relationships in which couples resort to destructive behaviors during an argument, such as blaming, shaming, name-calling, criticizing, or withdrawing, are more likely to end."
7. When You Or Your Partner State That You No Longer Feel Connected
You can probably tell if you and your partner are no longer as connected as you used to be. For instance, maybe you confide more in a friend about personal issues than you do with your partner like you used to. "If, 'I don't feel the same connection to you that I used to,' is coming out of someone's mouth in the relationship, it may be a sign that the relationship is unraveling," Rabbi Bregman says. "Not every relationship dies in a blaze of glory; sometimes, it fizzles out with a whimper. If you're finding yourself feeling lonely with your significant other, or feeling like you no longer enjoy their attention — or you actually prefer the attention of a different man or lady — it may only be a matter of time until you break up.”
As you can see, there are definitely some telltale signs that the arguments you and your partner are having are more destructive than productive. If so, you may want to ask yourself why you're still in the relationship, or seek the advice of a relationship therapist or expert to help you two figure out if what you have is salvageable.