When you've been with your partner forever, there are going to be times when one or both of you will be distant. Just like arguments and fights,
distance in a relationship is inevitable. When that happens, it's up to you and your partner to close that gap between you two. Reconnecting with your partner in the bedroom is one really great, not to mention fun way, to close that space.
It's important to note that sometimes space is necessary in a relationship. "A little space is normal," Dr. Laura Deitsch, resident sexologist at
Vibrant, tells Bustle. There will also be times where neither you nor your partner are in the mood for sex, and that's completely OK and you should never fore it. This can be because life is getting in the way — you or your partner may be going through a tough time at work or with family, which may be affecting your relationship. But if it's been a while, and both you and your partner are interested in rekindling some lost sparks, all hope is not lost.
There are things you can still do when you're not feeling as connected that'll help you both get in the mood when you want to. So here are some ways to close the distance, according to experts.
Before you attempt any type of seduction, try checking in to see if your partner is distracted by real-world problems before seeing if they're ready for sex, Dr. Deitsch says. "Be considerate and observant. Don't just dive in, especially if it seems your partner is a million miles away." The results will be much better for the both of you if you make sure they're at least receptive to play. And if they're not, that is completely OK. Do not take it personally, and instead pay attention to what your partner may need in the moment.
Try A Nostalgic Approach
Who doesn't love a quick trip down memory lane? If your partner has been distant but says they want to reconnect, nostalgia can help. "Remind them of that amazing vacation you first shared, highlighted by a recollection of a particularly intimate time," Dr. Deitsch says. "
Sharing your first memories together can help reignite the passion you felt for each other early on." And, if your partner is feeling it, they may want to reenact that past memory.
Ask Random "Getting To Know You" Questions
Get to know your partner again by
asking fun questions that you never thought to ask before. Dr. Deitsh suggests asking your partner throwback Thursday-style questions from their childhood, like their favorite breakfast cereal, their best Halloween costume, or even something silly like what they would do if they won the lottery — all can be pretty useful in closing that gap.
"These kinds of questions show an interest in who they are as a unique person and demonstrate your desire to get to know them even better," Dr. Deitsch says. "What better way to bridge that gap?" When you close any distance that's been there between the two of you, it will be much easier to set the mood for some one-on-one play time.
This one might seem super obvious, but touching your partner in a way they're comfortable with — even a subtle touch — may be the best place to start if you
both want to bridge the gap. "Many people want physical touch but not necessarily in a sensual way," Jeannie Assimos, eharmony's Chief of Advice, tells Bustle. So play with their hair, touch their back, give them a kiss on the cheek. Nothing too sexual just yet. "Simple acts of physical intimacy can be a great way to show your partner you want them," she says.
If you both want to help set the mood and reconnect, Assimos says, the best thing you can do is to try and help them to relax. If they're open to it, give them a foot rub, or shoulder massage. You can even suggest doing a meditation together if that's something you two are into. After all, studies have found
meditation can do wonders for your sex life. So why not? Just be sure that everything you're doing is something both you and your partner are comfortable with.
Show Them They Turn You On
"By sharing how attracted you are to them, the more attractive they'll feel and the more 'in the mood' they'll be," Bethany Ricciardi, sex educator and relationship expert with
Too Timid “The Romance Company” tells Bustle. Tell them how sexy they are, how much they turn you on, and how bad you really want to be with them. "Especially if they've been distant, make the effort to compliment them often," she says. And not just right before sex. According to Ricciardi, complimenting your partner whenever you can will pay off in the long run.
If you both agree you
want to things to get sexy, be thoughtful. "Really think about what will turn your partner on," Assimos says. For instance, if you know your partner loves when you wear that one white t-shirt, surprise them by throwing it on and nothing else.
Distance in your relationship is common and many times, really nothing to worry about. Sometimes couples just need ease back into it to help that spark come back in a new way.