Bill O'Reilly Once Wrote A Book About A Revengeful Former TV Journalist, Because Of Course He Did

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In a plot twist that surprised approximately no one, it was discovered earlier this week that Bill O'Reilly once wrote a novel about a murderous TV journalist, seeking revenge on those who contributed to his firing. Yes, that would be Bill O'Reilly, he of Fox News, formerly, and decades of reported sexual harassment. Yes, if I worked at Fox (LOL I know but for the sake of this sentence, let's pretend), I would maybe call in sick for a few days.

According to the New York Daily News, in 1998, O'Reilly released his first novel, Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder. In 2004, it was re-released by Broadway Books; Mel Gibson immediately snagged the movie rights. The story centers on Shannon Michaels, a journalist for "Global News Network," who sets out on a killing spree following his dismissal. Michaels, "the product of two Celtic parents," (how's that for barely coded) first targets scoop-stealing reporter Ron Costello by shoving a spoon through the roof of his mouth.

The woman who forced Michaels' resignation? Thrown off a balcony. The research consultant who advised the station to dismiss Michaels? Buried in the sand up to his neck and left to slowly drown. The station manager? Slit throat. "It’s a cutthroat business you’re in, Worthington," says Michaels.

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Aaaaanyway, while this is all going on, Tommy O'Malley, a "tough but warmhearted New York City cop," is assigned to the case. But oh, wait! Who's this entering from the wings? Why it's Ashley Van Buren, a "beautiful, tenacious" tabloid reporter, with a "large bust that both helped and hurt her” career, giving Tommy O'Malley a run for his money! Whatever will happen between these two? How will they ever overcome their competitive streaks? And hark! Who is that in the shadows, also pining for large-busted, Vassar-educated Ashley Van Buren? Could it be - Shannon Michaels????!

In a 2004 review of the book, it's noted that both main characters - Tommy O'Malley and Shannon Michaels - appear to be thinly veiled versions of O'Reilly himself, embodying the good and evil sides to his personality. At the heart of everyone's motives? Ego, O'Reilly writes. Ego and gratification.