None of you asked for this existential crisis, but here it is anyway. Remember how long before you assigned yourself an identity by which member of the Power Rangers/babysitter's club squad you were, and you were just defined by a humble Rugrat? Back when all BAMF kindergarten kids aspired to be the Susie Carmichael of their friend group, and shuddered if someone accused them of being an Angelica Pickles? Well, that punk called time kept on moving, apparently, and now we are all decidedly closer to the ages of the Rugrats' parents than we are of the Rugrats themselves ... like, way, way closer. Uncomfortably close. "Please leave room for Jesus" close. (I'm coping really well with this revelation, thank you for asking.)
My personal journey into the darkness began this morning, when said ages came to light. Lauren Yapalater of BuzzFeed opened the '90s version of Pandora's box by sleuthing to find the original ages of the Rugrats' parents. I'll ease you into this shock by telling you that, if they were parenting in 2017 and all the adventures Tommy dragged his unwitting baby gang into took place in the present day, their parents would have been straight up millennials. MILLENNIALS.
For instance, take Didila Kropotkin Pickles, aka Didi, aka Tommy's Mom and the literal only reason Stu Pickles didn't descend into madness. According to her Rugrats Wikia page — a thing that I just discovered exists — during the first episode, she was 32 years old.
Going by that timeline, during All Growed Up she was 41, and today she would be 58. Meanwhile, her husband Stu, or Stuart Louis Pickles, everyone's favorite hot mess, was 33 when the series began — 42 during All Growed Up, and 59 today.
Charlotte Pickles, known badass who isn't here for your patriarchal nonsense, was CEO of Mega Corp. at 34. Yesterday I confused my left and my right, so there's ... that.
Andrew Louis "Drew" Pickles was 33 or 34 when the series began (although I'm going to go ahead and take some liberties and say 34, since he's Stu's older brother and that maths out).
Elizabeth "Betty" DeVille? Also 34.
As was Howard, even though, quite frankly, I forgot his character even existed. (Sorry, dads. This show was owned by badass moms and Cynthia the doll from day one.)
Randy and Lucy Carmichael's ages are less clear, with their Wikia pages saying that they're "possibly" 35 when the series begins, but also, regardless, AHHHHH. Lucy was a pediatrician, and Randy was writing jingles for Dummi Bears, and somehow they were raising FOUR HUMAN CHILDREN AND A CAT. (I guess my own parents did this, but like, somehow this hits closer to home because my #youth just got ripped out from under me like a carpet.)
Chas Finster, resident redhead, was 34 when the series began; Kira Watanabe-Finster's age isn't listed on her Wikia page, but I'll fill in the blanks here and just assume it is also the approximate age that will tailspin a '90s baby into temporary madness.
Also, side note: there were a lot more adults in this show than I remember there being. Second side note: OH MY GOD, WE ARE THE ADULTS NOW. And while I have never had any trouble accepting the passage of time and the trials of adulthood and all of that cliché jazz, one glance at the parents' ages on Rugrats, and suddenly this is me.
This is a real "Circle of Life" moment, that's for darn sure. Now somebody shut down the internet before we do something really irresponsible, like Google the parents' ages on Gossip Girl. Or worse — realize that we're older than all the characters in the pilot of Friends.
I SAID SHUT IT DOWN.