How To Ask For A Threesome, Because It's Not Always The Best Way To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
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If you want to have a threesome — or even talk to your partner about having one — it can be really scary trying to figure out where to even start. But talking to your partner in a sensitive, patient way is so important, because it really does take two to tango. Or, in this case, three, but you and your partner both need to really be into the idea. If one of you is only half-heartedly agreeing or has reservations and insecurities, the whole thing could be a disaster. It needs to be two (and eventually three) people making a choice together.

You also need to make sure that you're doing it for the right reasons, because it may not be a way to spice up your relationship. It should be the cherry on top of an already strong relationship. It's not going to work as a quick solution. “If you are happy and stable and have a great sex life already, and you're looking to try new experiences together, then a threesome is a great idea,” Polly Superstar, the founder of the sex-positive community Mission Control and author of the book Sex Culture Revolutionary, tells Bustle. “A threesome will not solve your problems or fix a broken relationship.”

Make sure that you're building on a stronger foundation before you even think about going in for a threesome. But if it's something you really want and you like you're in a place where you both could benefit, bring it up. Here's what to do:

Keep Your Partner In Mind

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Firstly, how your partner feels — or how you think they'll feel— should be a deciding factor in how you talk about it. Are they sexually experimental anyway? Do you have strong communication skills about sex? Or are you worried it will make them feel inadequate?

Think of what concerns they might have and how to address them, as well as what they might like about a threesome, and use that to frame the conversation. For example, "You've been talking about wanting to try new things and I find the idea of watching you with someone else really sexy, would you be interested in trying a threesome?"

Focus On The Positives

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Always, always, always underline the things you love about your sex life. Whether you're bringing in a sex toy or suggesting a threesome, make sure you talk about what you like. Everyone can feel insecure about their partner needing more than their giving, so you need to address those fears and be as reassuring as possible.

Accept That It Might Not Be For Them

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Finally, accept that they might not be interested in it. With something like a threesome, where a third party is involved and you can feel vulnerable and exposed, you need to make so sure you're on the same page. “It needs to be something they both want,” Charlie Glickman, PhD, sex and relationship coach, tells Bustle. “I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of couples get into situations where one person wants it a lot more than the other. If you go into a threesome because you want to go along with your partner's desires or if you feel pressured, it's not likely to be a success. Compliance is not the way to go.”

If your partner isn't up for it or you think that they're only pretending to be interested for your sake, you need to let it go. There are other ways to spice things up.

A threesome can be a great addition to a strong sex life, but it really depends on your relationship and how comfortable you both are with it. But if it goes well, it can add a whole exciting dimension to your relationship.