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After Fifty Shades of Grey took the world by storm and it became borderline impossible to escape EL James’ naughty tale of Mr Grey, now is a great time to embrace and share your sexual fantasies. Whether it's over a drink with friends or with a lover, talking about what you’re into can be fun. However, while it's totally healthy and normal to have sexual fantasies, opening up about them can be tough for some. In light of that, I've put together a little cheat sheet on how to share your sexual fantasies with a partner, based on advice from some of the UK's top sex and relationship experts.
Whether its oral, anal, dressing up, or something a little more niche, all of us have our thing. I know it can seem daunting to share your deepest desires, but there are a few simple things you can keep in mind to ensure the conversations goes as smoothly as possible. Below, four intimacy experts cover everything you need to know about sharing your sexual fantasies for the first time with a partner, from opening up a clear line of communication to creating a safe, non-judgemental space for everyone involved. Read on to find out more.
1
Communication Is Key
Sharing what you think is hot with a partner can be great fun, but it isn’t a conversation you typically have every single day, so being clear and prepared to answer questions is super important.
Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist Kate Moyle says: "Think about how they may interpret what you are saying, and think about how you would feel if they extend an invitation to take fantasy into reality, or if fantasy is where you would like it to stay."
Being clear in your own mind about your fantasies before you tell someone else will really help you open up to them.
2
Be Positive & Open
Moyle also advises that you "start positive and be open to the conversation being a way of sexually exploring between the two of you." It may seem simple, but its still definitely something to bare in mind.
3
Be Tactful & Think About Your Partner Or Partners
However casual your relationship with your sexual partner or partners is, talking about what you like in bed can be a pretty sensitive for some people. Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox says:
“Sharing fantasies can backfire easily. Tact is essential. Fantasies about people you know are a no-no, so, for obvious reasons, just keep the sense of the fantasy and the person anonymous. Fantasies about you and your partner doing relatively ‘vanilla’ things are relatively safe. Just be aware that what seems a tasty turn-on to you, for instance dragging him by his tie to have sex in the loo at his office party, might sound plain terrifying to him (the boss finds out and he loses his job).”
4
Timing Is Everything
Like any conversation you have with your partner, there is a good time to share what you fantasise about in the bedroom and there is a bad time. Sharing your fantasy isn’t just about you — you are bringing your partner into it too, so consider how they might feel. Cox, who also has a range with Lovehoney says: “Suddenly deciding to share a fantasy about being ravaged by a dozen buff models, is not going to go down terribly well if your partners put on a stone and feeling self-conscious about it.”
5
There Is No Rush At All
Once you have shared a deep-routed fantasy with a sexual partner, it can feel like the only thing to do is make it a reality. Being clear about what you want, especially if power play comes into your fantasy, is so important and there really is no rush. Cox says: “Working out the scenario together, buying props, and deciding where, when, and how to do it is often just as exciting as actually doing it. Don’t be surprised if, sometimes, planning ends up being as far as you go.”
6
Really Work Out What You Want
Working out what you like is just as, if not more, exciting and important than sharing your deep desires with a partner. There is a whole world of kinks, fetishes, and acts out there just waiting to be discovered. Author and sex and relationships expert Rebecca Dakin says: "I recommend, especially for women, reading some erotic literature and just finding what does it for them. It may give them some ideas."
7
Leave Your Judgement At The Door
Talking about sex and desires can be all fun and games but it can also leave you or your partner feeling super vulnerable. Dakin says: “The important thing is not to be judgemental when someone tells you what their fantasy is because a fantasy is just that. It doesn’t mean they want it to happen in real life so they can be really taboo.”
8
Consider Starting The Conversation Outside The Bedroom
While it seems natural that that you would discuss your fantasies in the bedroom when you’re both feeling super hot, there may be another way to bring up what you want. Sex and relationship therapist Sarah Berry suggests you start the conversation outside of the bedroom. "If you do feel you want to share your fantasies," she says "I would suggest talking about this outside of the bedroom and away from flirty talk."
9
Not All Fantasies Are Meant For The Real World
Exploring desires can be immensely fun, but some fantasies are meant to be left as that: fantasies. It doesn’t mean you can’t share what gets you hot under the collar, but, like anything to do with sex, you shouldn’t force it. Berry says:
“Not all fantasies work in reality and many are different. In our heads we pick the time, place, people, script and actions. Rape fantasy is common but this doesn't mean people actually want to be raped. Some people like to role play a rape. This can be fun and sexy, boring or re-traumatising depending on why the person's relationship to the fantasy.”
10
Talking about sex is all part of the fun of doing it. Follow the advice from above and you're sure to have a great time.
