bored in a relationship is a very real thing — but a little boredom doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is doomed! To be honest, being stuck in any kind of routine can be a bit dull, and after a while of dating the same person, you're naturally going to get into a groove that, over time, can start to feel a bit drab.
There's no reason to worry about it, though: as long as you're upfront with your partner about your boredom, the two of you can work together to
add a little pizzazz back into your partnership. "When things get boring, there needs to be an effort made to make things fun and exciting again," relationship therapist Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC tells Bustle. "Things won't become exciting without putting in some work. But, it can be fun and doesn't need to feel like work!"
Even better news? The process of relighting the fire and
finding the fun in your relationship again can start with a simple, honest conversation. If you need a little help starting the convo, here are seven questions you can ask your partner when you get bored in your relationship, according to relationship experts.
"Do *You* Feel That Our Relationship Is Boring?"
First and foremost, it's important to get on the same page as your partner about the boredom you're feeling — do they feel it it, too? Or is it just a reflection of something going on with you specifically?
"This question will give you a baseline if it’s both of you that think the relationship is boring or if it’s just you," Todd and Diana Mitchem, relationship coaches at
EnariLove.com, tell Bustle. "Feeling that your relationship is boring may be just a feeling or a mood that you are going through, especially if you have been scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and found couples that have staged ‘fun times,’ but you compared yourself and your relationship to theirs."
"What Would You Like To Bring Back Into Our Relationship That We Used To Do?"
At the very beginning of a relationship, when you're still getting to know each other, there's naturally going to be a bit more excitement than after you've been dating for many months or even years.
One way to curb boredom in a long-term relationship? Talk to your partner about bringing back some of the things you did when you were
still in the honeymoon phase — such as flirting, sexting, or even just dating more. "This kind of resurrection of fun can get you back into the love vibes that you have lost," the Mitchems say.
"How Can We Rebuild Our Connection?"
Even if you're super in love with your partner, that doesn't mean you shouldn't always be striving to
improve your connection — because deep, intimate connections need to be nurtured. Ask your partner if/how they feel a disconnect, and find ways to rebuild your connection together.
"Figure out where you have a disconnect from one another and reignite it," the Mitchems say. "This new connection building can bring the excitement that is missing from your relationship."
"How Can We Change Our Routines?"
Sometimes, all a relationship needs to be reinvigorated are a few small tweaks to your established routines, whether that means changing your date night from Wednesday to Saturday, ordering takeout from a new spot, or even trying a new hobby together.
"There can be comfort in routines, but they can also lead to boredom," Jonathan Bennett, dating and relationships expert at
Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. "If you want to add more excitement to a relationship, change up your routines. This can even be little things like your schedules, favorite hangouts, etc."
"What Risks Can We Take?"
Doing new and exciting things with your partner is a seriously
great way to bond, so ask your partner what ~risky~ or out-of-the-norm things you can do together as a way to create new memories while shaking your relationship out of its rut.
"As a couple, it helps to push yourself outside of your comfort zone," Bennett says. "This might involve taking a good risk, like going on an impromptu trip, trying a new activity, or seeking an adrenaline rush. Don’t do anything unsafe. But take a risk as a couple and it will add more excitement to your relationship."
"How Can We Spice Things Up In The Bedroom?"
Even if you're totally content with your sex life as-is, if your relationship has felt a little stale lately, it can't hurt to start a convo about how you can
spice things up in the bedroom. Who knows? You might discover that you both have some hot new fantasies you've been dying to explore together.
"A lot of relationship boredom starts in the bedroom," Bennett says. "If you can bring some excitement to your sex life, you’d be amazed how the rest will fall into place."
"Would You Like To Be More Spontaneous?"
Spontaneity doesn't come naturally to everyone, nor does it mean the same thing to everyone. Ask your partner what they consider "spontaneous" behavior, and then decide how you can add a little spontaneity into your relationship — without descending into chaos, of course.
"Having a solid foundation of understanding when it comes to what spontaneity means to both of you can reignite the fun that your relationship is missing," the Mitchems say. "It’s important to know how you both view spontaneity to avoid misunderstanding. For example if you think that getting a couples massage is spontaneous, but your partner thinks that camping with no cell signal is spontaneous, you have some bridging to do so you can find something that fits both of your personalities."
The most important thing to remember? Feeling bored in a relationship is totally normal — and as long as you and your partner are willing to put in a little work to jazz things up again, you can get things back on track in no time.