Even if you feel as though you're in a great relationship, if there are little things that keep pissing you off, it could mean that it's not meant to last. For instance, your partner can't always please you, but if your partner disappoints you too often and you can't seem to get over it, it might be a major red flag that he or she won't be able to improve in the future. While you never want to "change" your partner, as acceptance in a healthy relationship is key, there's still room for ameliorating bad habits and actions in order to make each other happy and cared for. So, if the resentment becomes chronic, without a clear fix, it might be time to call it splits.
As a certified health coach, I work with clients on feeling satisfied and fulfilled in their relationships, both platonic and intimate, and if there's any toxicity or despair, it's best to remove it and find a healthier relationship to focus on. If this toxicity builds up over time, it can affect other areas of your life, including work, different relationship, inner confidence, and self-love. If you find that your partner keeps upsetting you about the same topics over and over, it's not only frustrating, but also doesn't make the future look too bright for you both. Here are 13 things that can signify that you might need to break up, as it's never fun to deal with chronic disappointment from anyone, especially a partner you care deeply about.
1. They Always Blame You
Everything is always your fault, you are always blamed for all problems, and there is never shared responsibility for anything. Ugh. "A person who believes this way is usually a big disappointment, and it's very difficult to craft a life with such a person," says matchmaker and rabbi in NYC, Rabbi Bregman, over email with Bustle. "Life is complicated, and if they can never see your point of view, or how they may be (even unwittingly) contributing to a problem -- then it might be time to let this person go and split up," Bregman adds.
2. They Keep Fighting You On Your Morals
Your partner knows you have moral and ethical red-lines, yet they keep disrespecting them, which isn't good. " If they are testing them, pushing the boundaries on them, or putting you in very difficult positions where you have to make difficult, embarrassing or complicated choices that put one or more of the people or values you hold, in jeopardy," it's a clear red flag, says Bregman.
3. They Can't Be Counted On
Reliability is so important for a relationship, says Bregman. "This can be in the form of constantly being late, or not being where they said they will be, or it can be in the form of something like, 'I promise that I'll have my half of the rent ready on time this month,' and it's not," says Bregman. If a person's word cannot be taken at face value, it's a huge let down uber difficult to build a life with them.
4. They Disappoint You In Bed
This isn't like a drunken night mishap situation. If your partner continues to disappoint you in bed, it might mean they can't perform to your liking and it probably won't change at this point. Perhaps you'll need to find a different person with whom you're more in sync with. "Sexual chemistry is very important to relationship satisfaction, and when it's lacking, both partners end up frustrated, unfulfilled, and tempted to emotionally and physically cheat," says Jonathan Bennett, relationship coach, over email with Bustle. "And, sexual chemistry doesn't usually improve with time, but continues to decline unless its addressed, so it won't suddenly get better with time," Bennett adds.
5. They Don't Plan For Special Occasions
Sure, you might not need a bouquet of flowers sitting for you at home on a regular basis, but if there's a birthday, anniversary, or congratulatory moment (perhaps a promotion or raise?) going on in your life, you might expect a little something out of the ordinary to make the day special. If your partner keeps letting you down and not making big enough of deal, he or she might not be the right one for you.
6. They Are Always Negative
If you feel as though there's endless tension and negativity in your relationship, it might be time to call it quits. Unless perhaps he or she is willing to speak to a therapist to get help, and even then you're unsure if things will change, you should definitely reconsider whether or not the relationship is worth it. Negative energy is contagious and can mess with your wellbeing.
7. They Seem Insecure
If your partner shows insecurity or acts jealous a lot, it could disappoint you, as you are unsure how to respond and you're bothered by any accusations, assumptions, or self-deprecating thoughts and actions from your partner. Plus, remember, confidence is sexy, and it makes people drawn to you, so if you're doing the opposite, it could be a major turn off.
8. They Take You For Granted
If you cooked a great meal for your SO, like HOURS spent on lamb, chocolate lava cake, perfectly truffled, herb fries, and more (cue the hunger pangs, here), and you don't get a thank you or gesture of appreciation, it can really hurt. If this type of occurrence happens regularly, it can lead to major resentment and justifies a break up.
9. They Don't Put In Effort
"When your partner is showing lack of motivation toward the relationship and you are feeling disappointed by this repeatedly, it's a good sign that they may have lost their loving feeling toward you or the habit in question has a stronger gratifying pull than the relationship does," says Dating & Relationship Expert, Megan Weks, over email with Bustle. "Often times we keeping pushing and pushing for what we want from our partner, when in actuality it is pushing them further away. People need to be inspired to want to do things to please you," Weks says.
10. They Directly Ignore Your Words
If you keep telling your partner you flat out don't like something he or she does, or that a specific action is not acceptable, and they do it anyway, that disobedience and lack of care should be enough to call it quits. "If you have told them that something is not acceptable and they have done it again and you again have to tell them it's unacceptable, your actions are not matching your words. Now your partner reads their actions as acceptable. Why? Because you're still around accepting the very behavior you said was unacceptable," says Weks. Ditch the SO, and move on.
11. They Keep Cheating On You
This might be fairly obvious, but depending on how much you care for your partner, it might be actually not enough to keep you from freeing yourself. Yet, be proactive and muster up the courage, as cheating should never be tolerated, says Weks. If your partner keeps cheating, he or she is a cheater, period. Say goodbye. You deserve way better.
12. They Keep Showing Up Drunk
Some drunks are happy and fun, some are sad and emotional, and of course, a many are mean, angry, and maybe even violent drunks. If your partner keeps getting drunk and coming home in a bad mood or even with physical aggression, it can be really disappointment and scary (depending on the presence of violence), says Weks. This is a real reason to break up immediately, as your body might be in danger.
13. They Can't Communicate Or Listen To You
If you try and express yourself and your partner can't listen to you, or care to understand what you're saying when you express your needs and concerns, it's a red flag, says life coach, Nina Rubin, M.A., over email with Bustle. "Some ways your partner may keep disappointing you is by not listening to your needs when you express yourself. It gets frustrating to keep telling someone and not have changes be implemented," Rubin says. What's more, if you try and discuss openly, but it always ends is defensiveness or arguments, without resolution, it can also be frustrating.
If you notice any of these signs in your relationship, it could be time to end things. Feeling disappointed and let down doesn't make for a close, fulfilling relationship, so it's best to catch it while it's still early.