Human puppies or, as I have been repeatedly asked to call them, children, are delightful, frustrating, hilarious little creatures who look upon the world with the steady, pure gaze of innocents. They are also tiny demons who may or may not have a direct line to the underworld. If you don’t believe that last part, just look at this Reddit thread where parents share the creepiest things their children have ever said to them.
Usually, kid’s mispronunciations are charming and funny, like calling cows “tows”, or telling everyone you lived in a condom because you thought it was short for “condominium”. But sometimes, their sweet, high-pitched voices can utter phrases so chilling, you find yourself lying awake at night and playing them over in your head, wondering if maybe their undeveloped little brains are attuned to vibrations ours are not.
Horror movies are chock-full of creepy kids: Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense, the twins in The Shining, that girl in The Exorcist. The people who make these movies know that there are few things as unsettling as a child, who is supposed to be pure and innocent, tapping into the evil forces of the world. It’s scary enough in movies, but absolutely terrifying when you encounter it in real life. Creepy kids make you ask yourself questions like, are ghosts real? Is reincarnation? If I hide under my covers, will the monsters go away?
We may never know the answers to any of those questions, but in the meantime, here are some stories of creepy things kids have said that can make even the most jaded skeptic wonder if everything really is as it seems.
This creepy young Wes Anderson fan.
Would this story have had the same impact if it were a different Wes Anderson movie? Imagine he had Moonrise Kingdom and said "Your girlfriend stabbed me in the back with lefty scissors" instead.
This kid who is mind-melding with his mom.
I actually think this story is kind of sweet, in an extremely unsettling way.
This kid whose mom should be on the lookout.
Look, it's never a good idea to create a new identity and abandon your kids. Unless...
These kids who hang out with their dead grandmas.
Also kind of sweet, in a haunty, ghosty way.
This kid who's planning ahead.
Don't ever want to be caught without a sandwich.
This kid from the underworld.
Though, I feel like we've all been reborn out of the darkness, tbh.
These kids who are maybe reincarnated.
Can you tell the reincarnation of your long-deceased great-grandfather to go clean his room? What's the protocol here?
This threatening lil' creep.
Last time I wander down the candy aisle alone at night.
This kid's friend.
Ghosts don't sound that bad as long as they're polite and friendly.
This kid who sees... live people?
Lesson learned: always keep a blanket on hand for chilly ghosts.
This dad joke.