Guys, criminal activity is not funny. Unless, of course, you’re talking about someone pooping in people’s lawns in New York because, yeah, that’s pretty funny. A “mystery pooper” is terrorizing a neighborhood in upstate New York, leaving their poops and soiled tissues in people’s yards. (...and you thought our newscycle was a shitstorm before this story.)
Orchard Park police received their first complaint of a person pooping in lawns on November 8. As Lt. Jason M. Schiedel told The Buffalo News, the woman who filed the complaint believed the pooper to be a jogger whose path frequented their neighborhood. She also said she believed the pooper had struck more than once. While police say they’ve only received one formal complaint, a passive-aggressive vigilante has taken to the Orchard Park Pennysaver, placing an ad directed towards the unknown pooping villain. The ad, which implies multiple houses had been hit and that neighbors had installed cameras to catch the pooper, was placed on November 26 and reads:
“To the person/jogger who is pooping on our lawns in the Village of O.P.: STOP!! You are violating a health ordinance that prohibits depositing untreated sewage on land or water!!! You are putting our neighborhood at a serious health risk, especially children! We have installed trail cams to identify you! The Orchard Park Police are increasing patrols in our area!”
The ad is signed “The homeowners whose property you invaded.”
While certainly a unique case, Schiedel said this isn’t completely out of the ordinary for this neighborhood, which is home to the Buffalo Bills. “Orchard Park police occasionally respond to complaints of this nature, but it's usually associated with Buffalo Bills games at New Era Field.”
Perhaps the pooper is a wandering football fan buying time between home games.
The chances of catching the pooper are slim as the police say they “don’t have much to go on.” Police confirmed to The Buffalo News that they had increased patrol cars in the area, as the pennysaver ad suggested. However, Schiedel believed the threat of getting video footage would likely be a greater deterrent. If previous incidents of lawn poopers are any indication, that may not be the case.
If this all sounds vaguely familiar to you, it’s because this literally just happened a couple months ago. A “mad pooper” kept pooping in people’s lawns in Colorado Springs, terrorizing the town with her turds. In addition to being caught on camera, the Mad Pooper was also caught mid-mad pooping by homeowners on more than one occasion.
Cathy Budde, whose lawn appeared to be one of the Mad Pooper’s favorites, told local news station KKTV her kids first caught the pooper, mid-poop, pants around her ankles and everything. “They are like, ‘There’s a lady taking a poop!’ So I come outside, and I’m like … ‘are you serious?’” Budde told the KKTV. Budde said she then confronted the pooper asking, “Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?” To which the pooper replied, “Yeah, sorry.”
The Mad Pooper has still not been identified, according to the Kansas City Star.
Maybe Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper has fled the town and taken to upstate New York to carry on her crapping. Perhaps New York’s criminal is simply a copycat pooper. Will 2018 bring a deluge of defecators to every city across America, leaving loose poops in our lawn?
Schiedel told The Buffalo News that if caught, the pooper could be charged with “public lewdness or exposure.” However, he said, the person would probably have to be “caught in the act.”
If that’s what it would take, perhaps it’s best we let the pooper go about their business as they please.