Spreadable Coffee, An Espresso Marmalade, Is Here To Make Your Bagels WAY More Energizing

Firebox

As someone with an addiction to caffeine that is beginning to near debilitative, I am always in search of new products that'll help augment the six or seven cups of coffee I send coursing through my veins each day. So far, I've found coffee ice cream a stellar addition, as well as chocolate-covered coffee beans, coffee-flavored sucking candies, and Red Bull, which gives me both wings and occasional heart palpitations. But online retailer Firebox has found an even more enticing treat for coffee-lovers like me: spreadable coffee exists, and is exactly as it sounds.

Indeed, according to Firebox's website, Spreadable Coffee is essentially an espresso marmalade, consisting of what I can only assume are espresso beans mashed into a jam. The website cheekily taglines the concoction as "beans on toast," a classic British dish consisting of baked beans on....toast. This time, though, we're talking about a different, crunchier kind of bean.

The reviews are in, though I'm not clear on whether they're good or bad: "Is spreadable, tastes like coffee. Job done!" one poster wrote. Another chimed in, "Really well packaged, so not in any danger of breaking- exactly what it says on the jar and looks amazing!" A third wrote, "what a good idea for a coffeeholic who has everything (except this of course). Can't wait to see the reaction when it is opened!" Not sure what that poster's reaction ended up being, but he did not bother to post again, so either they loved it, hated it, didn't care enough to update, or was so thrilled when they twisted that jar they dropped dead. Anything is possible.

This isn't Firebox's first foray into spreadable oddities. A few months ago, they released a line of Spreadable Gin, which is basically a gin-and-tonic transformed into jelly. Further inspection of Firebox's website reveals they've also got a spreadable beer concoction on sale, though this one appears to be a collaborative effort between an Italian chocolate maker and an Italian birreria, which makes me a tad more optimistic about how it tastes. (Though a reviewer said it was "nothing fantastically delicious," so maybe that's out the window, too.)

Firebox

For the most part, these spreadable treats seem more for fun than flavor, plus we can't even get them here in the United States. Though if you're in the United Kingdom, you can score jars for $14.19 plus shipping. All that, and you're within a stone's throw of the upcoming royal wedding, which just seems unfair. We never should have revolted.

To be honest, spreadable coffee seems like a win. Hot liquids are starting to erode my stomach lining, and I eat a lot of bread, so combining the two sounds like a great way for me to consume caffeine in a gentler manner, lest I create a bleeding ulcer so vicious it forces my disaster health insurance to kick in.

Then again, I'm not sure we need these kinds of culinary innovations. Recently we've been inundated with creative foods like spreadable coffee, gin jam, beer Nutella, and sliced ketchup, but like all the new Star Wars films, they're starting to feel like unnecessary takes. Like, why screw with something good, like coffee, or Han Solo's story in canon? Sometimes a good thing is best as is, like a burger, or a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning, and again at lunch, at again at 2 p.m., and again at 5 p.m. because you're supposed to go to a happy hour after work and you can barely contemplate standing up from your desk, let alone drinking for two hours.

I know, I know, I have a problem.