'Star Wars' Sex Toys Are Here To Rock Your World — And Ruin Your Innocence
If you know the ultimate Star Wars fanatic or just feel an uncontrollable urge to ruin somebody's childhood, then these might be the perfect gifts to add to your holiday shopping list. There's a range of Star Wars-themed sex toys out there and they are entertaining and horrifying in equal measure. Called Star Toys, these bad boys come from Geeky Sex Toys, a sex toy company based in Brisbane, Australia. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they were the folks behind the Pokémoan sex toys last year which... well, which I'm not going to tell you about because there needs to be some innocence left in the world.
I mean, I don't know if I can wrap my head around these sex toys, but I'm sure they're the perfect gift for someone out there. Especially if they have a kinky side, because this set was designed around the darker things. "This year we had a bunch of requests for different types of sex toys based around villain characters," Geeky Sex Toys co-founder Emma told Mashable. "We decided that our Star Toys range was a great way to introduce a new level of kink to our products." So someone requested this. That's good to know. Someone willed this into existence.
If you can handle having your childhood turned on its head, here are some of the most interesting offerings from the Star Wars collection. I warn you, though, number two is giving me nightmares already.
I mean, I guess the dark and light options (R2-V2 vibe) give you something for everyone. And it looks like the helmet on Darth could give you some pretty interesting textures and sensations... and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for writing that sentence.
I don't think there is a way to get over having seen this. I think we all just live like this now, forever. Yoda is meant to be wise and pure and now I know what his penis would look like and it's all so scary. But if you've been looking for a Yoda dildo, here is your answer.
3Laser Sword Dildos
OK, this is one that I can get behind. I mean, a dildo sword is obviously pretty badass. And you can get them in a range of colors to match your favorite character or maybe just your mood. It actually seems kind of sexy, in its way.
... and now they're back to ruining everything. Look at this C3PO butt plug— look at his eyes. Look at how sad he is to be a butt plug. He's my favorite character and now I'm not sure I'll ever smile again. But somewhere, this is someone's dream.
5Dark Side Bondage Kit
OK, this one makes sense to me. It comes with a whole lot of different toys— it even includes a Space Station Ball Gag, which sounds interesting. But it's basically your classic bondage set with a Star Wars twist— and it looks ready for newbies or more experiences kinksters alike.
6Laser Sword Flogger
This manages both to be a kinky toy and the most innocent thing on this list. I'm not sure what it has to do with lasers, but if you're looking for a little toy to up your spanking and kink game in the bedroom then I don't see why this couldn't do the trick.
Hand Solo — get it? GET IT!? OK, we get it. It's a penetrable, so it's basically like a Star Wars-themed flesh light. It may be terrifying looking, but it's probably better than going hand... solo, dammit, I did it too.
PHEW. These are all the highlights of this collection, which may or may not have ended innocence completely. But if you're a Star Wars fan or know someone who is and you're looking for a kinky gift, here's your answer. Niche? Sure. But for someone it's the perfect solution.