Lest you think you were finished filling your body and soul with sweets and treats, Valentine’s Day is knocking at our doors, asserting itself as a food holiday. Look no further than Swedish Fish Valentine’s Day hearts for evidence that our candy has already begun shape-shifting from snowflakes and pine trees into Valentine-adjacent objects. Soon, our grocers’ shelves will be stocked with all things heart-shaped, pink, and red, and we will have no choice but to indulge in love or at least candy letters that spell out the word “LOVE.”
If you want to start microdosing on Valentine’s Day cheer, you can buy a 10-ounce bag of the heart-shaped Swedish Fish on Target.com for just $2.69. For less than three American dollars, you can eat something that tastes like a Swedish Fish but looks like a tiny, cartoonish heart. So, don’t say science never did anything for you!!!
These heart-shaped candies are particularly perfect for anyone who’s ever eaten a Swedish fish and thought, “But why is it so big though???” The heart-shaped candies are a little bigger than an M&M, meaning there’s less chance you’ll eat one, get it stuck in your molars, and give up on the candy all-together. Also, they’re shaped like cute, little hearts! It’s a win-win all around.
According to the Target.com product description, the bag has approximately three servings. According to anyone who has ever eaten a Swedish fish, the bag serves exactly one. The description also notes the products’ “state of readiness” as “ready to eat,” which I’m sure is crucial for things like boxed cake mixes or frozen food but is very hilarious for something like a bag of unwrapped candies. Imagine the kind of hypothetical preparation that a “not ready to eat” Swedish fish would require. Candy de-boning? A light sauté? Perhaps a prayer or seance-like ritual?
Multiple reviews for the heart-shaped Swedish Fish on Amazon describe the candy as “fresh,” which, again, is kind of an alarming way to describe a candy. I’m sure they mean “fresh” as in “not stale.” However, I don’t think I have described a boxed candy as “fresh” ever in my life. Like, “Mmm this bag of Skittles sure is fresh.”
Earlier this month, Starbursts heart-shaped jelly beans also hit shelves thus proving that “Valentine’s Day creep” is the new Christmas creep. The Starburst jellybeans are a cherry-flavored red and a strawberry-flavored pink AKA the good flavors. (Fight me and Chrissy Teigen. I dare you.) You needn't resort to jellybeans or rifling through a bag of classic Starbursts to get a bag of only reds and pinks, either. Starburst FaveREDs exists and it is made up entirely of red and pink Starburst chews. I repeat, don’t say science never did anything for you.
If savory food is more your thing, you can also partake in heart-shaped indulgences like Aldi’s heart-shaped cheese. The grocer’s Valentine’s Day cheese selection, both heart-shaped and not, includes four different varieties: creamy cinnamon with raisins and diced apples, mature cheddar, Wensleydale with sweet cranberries, and Wensleydale with raspberries and white chocolate. Because I know you were wondering: yes, the white chocolate and raspberry one is heart-shaped. Sometimes the world gets things right, y'know?
Aldi is also selling other heart-shaped products like heart-shaped brioche and heart-shaped pasta. In past years, Pizza Hut has sold heart-shaped pizza in honor of Valentine’s Day. Even if they don’t offer that promotion this year, you can always make your own homemade heart-shaped pizza. In other words, if your entire Valentine’s Day meal isn’t heart-shaped from starter to dessert, that is 100 percent on you and your heartless, heartless self.