He doesn't have a nose, he doesn't know how to love, and he can't even hug properly. Oh, plus he's out to destroy everything good about the world. Not an ideal date.

When you show up for your date, Voldemort is there and you realize you've been betrayed.

Gilderoy Lockhart shows up with a gift in hand, but it's just a signed photo of himself.

Percy Weasley treats you to a night so boring you wish you'd just stayed in instead.

Draco Malfoy seems like a brooding bad boy, but he spends the whole night complaining about how Hermione isn't that smart and Harry isn't that brave and how he's much purer. It gets old pretty fast.

Snape is capable of loving very deeply, but unfortunately he's terrible at showing it. He sits silently for most of the date, then calls you a Mudblood and leaves you with the bill.

This date is weird but fine. Mostly you just can't beat the uneasy feeling that Moody isn't who he seems...

Ron means well, but you soon discover he has the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Newt Scamander's idea of a fun date involves possibly deadly animals. Plus, he gets so wrapped up in his fantastic beasts that he totally forgets about you.

James seems a bit arrogant at the start of the date, but in the end, he wins you over with an utterly unique and romantic evening.

Oliver Wood takes you to the Quidditch pitch for practice, because there are no breaks. Not even for Valentine's Day.

As demonstrated by his disastrous date with Cho, Harry is not great at planning dates. He has a lot of chosen-one duties going on, and he's not great at reading a room. That being said, he takes you on a riveting — if slightly awkward — adventure.

Dean didn't really understand Ginny, but he always tried to be supportive and cool. He is a perfectly adequate and dependable date and he walks you to your door at the end of the night.

Sirius Black devises a date that gets you in trouble with some authority or another, then you never hear from him again. Still, you'll never forget that night... and you'll never forget Sirius.

Remus Lupin devises a date that should get you in trouble, but he's more responsible about it than Sirius, and takes full blame when you get caught. He also arrives to pick you up with a box of chocolate and flowers.

Neville Longbottom gifts you a bouquet of flowers that he grew himself.

Lee Jordan takes you to the most anticipated Quidditch match of the year, and makes you laugh the whole time with his cheeky commentary.

The Weasley Twins take you and your best friend on a double-date that involves skiving snackboxes, secret passageways, and fireworks.

Viktor Krum is attentive and respectful, and he appreciates intelligence, authenticity, and individuality. You decide not to go out on a second date, but he still writes you lovely letters afterwards and cherishes your friendship forever. He is the ideal Valentine's Day date.