Good News, Angels Of Darkness: There Is A "Goth Latte"

by Madeleine Aggeler

Greetings from the Dark Side, glumlords,

As you know, we’ve been pretty busy. In the past, the Sith Department was by far our most active branch, but the Offices of Political Chaos and Existential Dread have at least quadrupled their output recently. Still, there are a lot of misconceptions about us that we’d like to clear up. Sure, rage and despair are our bread and butter, but we enjoy the little things too — a nice walk in the cold rain, a soft pillow to sob into. So we were delighted to hear about the recent emergence of goth lattes.

The gloomy drinks have been popping up on Instagram in the U.K. and Australia for a while, and our Research team tells us it’s only a matter of time before their darkness spreads across the oceans, floating on a black cloud of sadness and caffeine to join their fellow goth food friends, like black water, goth ice cream, and depressed cakes.

The unicorn food trend was tough for us to stomach here in the Realm of Evil (glitter gives us indigestion) so the arrival of dark foods has been a welcome, appetizing change of pace. But goth foods are not without their flaws.

Since the Dark Side sees bodies as nothing more than ungainly, defective flesh vessels in which to store anger and fear, we don’t love anything that’s “healthy”. The goth latte is therefore somewhat problematic for us, because though it looks dismal, it’s actually good for you. Its black hue is not, as we had hoped, due to the ground-up ashes of people’s hopes and dreams, but activated charcoal, an ingredient that has gained popularity in the wellness community because of its detoxifying properties, including ridding the body of unwanted toxins, and preventing gas and bloating.

It still looks really cool though, and just because we’re salaried officials of the Dark Side doesn’t mean we don’t love ‘gramming our food and including a witty caption like “Coffee as black as my soul,” or “#BlessedBySatan”.

So curl up in your itchiest hair shirt, turn up your “Cat Screams” playlist, and sip on a warm latte as dark as our future.