Foods To Eat If You're Sick Of Unicorns

by Madeleine Aggeler

Unicorn foods have been having a moment. In these uncertain times, people have turned to whimsically-colored dishes for a brief escape from the crushing reality that life is chaos and our time on Earth is fleeting. But let’s be honest, it can all be a bit much — we’re still recovering from our Unicorn Frappe-induced sugar hangovers and the bright colors give us headaches and sometimes we don’t feel sparkly because we have to like, pay rent and clean the shower drain. Even the moody get hungry though, so here are some foods to eat if you’re sick of unicorns.

While unicorn-inspired concoctions were flooding our social media feeds, black foods started quietly popping up as a response to the sudden glut of pastel-colored, glittery food. Besides being aesthetically-pleasing, a lot of these dark dishes incorporate activated charcoal, which supposedly helps the body rid itself of unwanted toxins, and prevents gas and bloating. It has also been used to treat certain poisons, so it might be worth keeping around on the off-chance you should make enemies with someone who has easy access to dangerous chemicals.

So throw on a black sweater, play some Morrissey, and stare pensively out the window as you contemplate our inevitable demise and nibble on gloomy treats as dark as your cold, inky-black souls!

Black Water

Blk. water gets its color from fulvic and humic acids that help balance the body's pH levels. Fulvic acid is produced by the biodegredation of organic matter, and humic acid is found in soil sediment. Who's thirsty?? Nutritionists point out that neither of these are necessary for the human body, but if life is pointless anyway why not drink pointless water.

Black Pizza

Waitrose, the UK supermarket chain, have announced that they will offer a charcoal dough pizza topped with porchetta, salami, marinated artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, and artichokes — the perfect slice to chew on while you contemplate whether there is such a thing as objective good.

Goth Ice Cream

Little Damage ice cream shop in L.A. creates deliciously dour cones with charcoal ice cream and charcoal waffle cones to satisfy your sweet tooth. After all, just because you've been reading a lot of Nietzsche and despairing the savagery of life doesn't mean you don't need a sugary pick-me-up once in a while.

Depressed Cakes

Depressed Cakes

If you're feeling emo but still want to eat yummy food and support a good cause, Depressed Cake Shop has you covered. Started in the UK in 2013, the group organizes pop up bake sales with one rule: all of the baked goods have to be gray, to symbolize the cloud of mental illness. All proceeds go to mental health charities. The next pop up will be in Jamestown, NY on June 1st.

Carbon Cocktail

Tequila-based drinks have preceded many an existential crisis, but none have looked the part more than the Black Mamba cocktail at the Carbon Bar in Toronto. It features charcoal-infused tequila, and if you want to punch up the flavor you can salt it with your own tears.

Squid Ink Pasta

Squid ink pasta has been around for a while, but it's always a great way to feel like you're a super villain dining on the souls of the damned. Quick heads up: unless Dementor-who-just-fed is the look you're going for, this doesn't make for a great date dish.

Dragon Frappuccino

Okay, Starbuck's green tea, vanilla bean, berry swirl Dragon Frappuccino isn't black, and it isn't even technically on the menu. BUT they make the list because dragons are huge and scaly and breathe fire and are essentially the ultimate anti-unicorn. Be warned though, you may make an enemy for life out of your barista when you order this drink without explicit details on when you're looking for, so make sure to keep some of that activated charcoal on hand.