Tom Sandoval's 'Vanderpump Rules' Fund-Rager Is As Satisfying As A Tray Of Donuts
Nicole Weingart/Bravo

Thanks to Monday's episode of Vanderpump Rules, the word "fund-rager" is now a part of my vocabulary. And I plan on using it as often as possible. (Those Sexy Unique Knuckleheads sure do keep me on my toes.) In honor of his own birthday, a freshly coiffed Tom Sandoval hosted a fund-rager at a bar. A fund-rager is, as Sandoval explained, is part fundraiser, part rager. I can’t and shan’t knock it. The cause: Project Elev8, a nonprofit with a “vision to raise the standards of education for the people of Haiti.” The guests donated money, the guests drank alcohol, the guests engaged in some light confrontation, and the guests enjoyed donuts. All in all, it was a success.

Was it the best Vanderpump “Sexy Unique Reality Show” Rules party of all time? I mean, as far as parties go, this show’s bar couldn't be higher. I’m not sure I would say Sandoval’s fund-rager was as iconic as, say, the Beemer selfie fight party or Stassi’s Las Vegas parking lot fight party. But the fund-rager was really, really great — one of two great parties that happened on Monday’s ep. (You better believe I loved Jax’s roast. Jax’s roast was relentless and magical. I wish I was one of the people lurking in the background of Jax’s roast, watching and drinking in the show. I want my next birthday party to be themed “Jax’s roast.”)  

Here are the most important things that happened at Sandoval’s fund-rager:

  • Sandoval, clad in a crisp white suit, danced under the red and green lights. He looked like a snow angel. A Christmas light-drenched snow angel.
  • Scheana told DJ James Kennedy and Raquel it was neat to see that they were still together, you know, “considering…”
  • DJ James Kennedy called Ellie a “DJ groupie.”
  • When the conversation about the cost of Katie’s bridal shower got to be too much, Kristen and Scheana anxiously tied their hair in knots at the same time.
  • Jax’s credit card was declined.
  • Brittany’s credit card was accepted.
  • Brittany said, “Now you go make me a sandwich.”
  • After knocking back a Jägerbomb, Brittany said the drink gave her T.H.O.
  • Brittany defined “T.H.O.” for Stassi.
  • Scheana pulled Ariana aside and asked, "Can I steal you for a second?" Even when I'm not watching The Bachelor, I'm watching The Bachelor.
  • Ariana presented Sandoval with a cookie sheet covered in Long Johns.
  • That Long John cookie sheet was a thing of beauty.
  • Oh, my gosh I want a Long John.

Nary a chunky knit sweater was aggressively removed, nary a glass was smashed on the ground. And yet, I loved every minute. I wished Sandoval's fund-rager would go on forever. (And yes, I do feel the same way when I'm eating a donut.) These really are the best days of our lives.