Whaboom Is Terrible, But The Tickle Monster Is The Most Terrifying 'Bachelorette' Contestant

Paul Hebert/ABC

One episode of The Bachelorette and I’m already exhausted. Do you guys feel it, too? Rachel Lindsay has some real winners vying for her attention, but then she also has some… interesting characters. First, you have Lucas, who says he is a “Whaboom.” Yes, I know that doesn’t mean anything, but Lucas is I guess attempting to brand himself, and he just keeps screaming “whaboom” over and over again like a child having a tantrum. While this is annoying, I’ll admit that it’s mostly harmless. The most terrible Bachelorette contestant is the tickle monster, Jonathan.

I know that it’s part of the gig to be on The Bachelorette or The Bachelor to have a weird name or occupation or whatever (we’ve seen chicken enthusiast, aspiring dolphin trainer, and pantsapreneur in the past), but Jonathan’s “tickle monster” is seriously creeping me out. Full disclosure — I hate being tickled. I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel gross and I hate the feeling of not having control over my own body. Tickling is one of the last forms of touch that you can say is a joke. You can’t really punch someone in the face or kick him or her in the groin in jest. But tickling is the last bastion of those who argue that touching someone that doesn’t want to be touched is all in good fun. Ugh. I remember hating it as a little kid, and I hate it now, and if you tickle me, there’s a good chance I’ll kick you in the face and not have one iota of remorse.

Paul Hebert/ABC

If Jonathan is described as a “tickle monster,” what does that mean about how he approaches life? I mean, we saw him surprise tickle Rachel and give her no say in the matter. Is he the kind of person who doesn’t listen to someone’s bodily agency when he or she says “no”? Or tells inappropriate jokes under the guise of being fun? Even though Jonathan’s ABC.com bio brags that he “lasts a long time” in the bedroom (ick), this is still only the first episode, and I guess for now, Jonathan gets the benefit of the doubt. But if he keeps breaking out the tickles, I hope Rachel sends this guy packing.