Today on "things I didn't ask for, but I'm definitely not going to kick out of bed" is an upcoming fantasy adventure game called "Boyfriend Dungeon," which is exactly how it sounds: a dungeon game, full of boyfriends. As someone who is not familiar with dungeon games, or really any kind of video game (I got apocalyptic levels of stressed out battling Bowser in Super Mario as a child, quit, and never looked back), I cannot speak on how this will play out in the larger dungeon game genre. That being said, as a woman who enjoys the idea of wielding a sword and gazing upon hot fictional characters, my interest is piqued.
The game is the brainchild of Kitfox Games, and is already making waves for its, er, unique genre hybrid, which it calls "shack-and-slash". The ultimate plot is still unclear, but here's what I can gather from it based on the information we have available: you know how everyone in Game of Thrones names their sword something powerful or vaguely guilt-trippy to get a point across, and then gets weirdly attached to them? This is kind of like that, except when you're done fighting, the swords quite literally morph into a bae. (And then, presumably, back into a sword, depending on your need? Why are men in real life not capable of this yet?? Asking important questions here.)
The best part? According to Kitfox Games, the game will have an "inclusive, tasteful approach to gender and sexuality," and will be full of "beautiful people to romance". Kitfox Games released a preview of the game, which does seem to indicate that your sword can morph into hot men and hot women (as well as a hot ???, which I imagine indicates a hot person you have to unlock by like, actually putting effort into dungeoning and what not).
Does anyone else feel like a void they didn't know they had in their lives just got miraculously filled?
While the game doesn't come out until 2019 (womp), that still gives us plenty of time to start writing tragic but heroic backstories for the main characters in the narrative. So far they seem to be Épée, Valeria, an unseen character named "Jake," and a guy biting a rose who has a ten-pack and may or may not be "Jake".
If your interest in this game is striking a familiar chord, you're not imagining it — already it's being likened to "Dream Daddy," a dad dating sim game featuring animated men with cute babies that launched a hundred thousand memes over the summer. I've honestly not met one person who has played the game for themselves, but I can tell you loosely the personalities of at least six of the "dads" thanks to dozens of retweets that hit my dash. The game was so viral before it launched in July that it inspired countless works of fan art, fiction, and even a character cosplay.
As always, the internet is both precious and weird.
Unlike its internet predecessor, though, "Boyfriend Dungeon" will include different dungeon settings and combat styles, and missions in which it appears you have to "rescue" the weapons that you then anthropomorphize in a totally healthy, not at all concerning way into attractive people (and, if my eyes did not deceive me in the trailer video, possibly a cat). As someone who has considered online dating and is too lazy to actually follow through, I look forward to kind of sort of halfway trying it by playing this game and dating a human/weapon hybrid instead. But most importantly: dibs on the long-haired guy who seems to think roses are snack food. I saw him first.