What Nobody Told You About Bringing Food Into The Bedroom
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
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Something has been on my mind and I really have to get it out there. We have to talk about food in the bedroom. Do you want to hear a story? No? OK. Here it goes.

Once upon a time, a friend of mine who was definitely *not* me decided that chocolate syrup would be a sexy addition to her bedroom fun. She poured that sticky bullsh*t all over her torso and thighs and had her partner lick it off. It got everywhere; In her hair, her ears, and in crevices that she didn’t even know she had. It was a chocolate covered hellstorm of sticky, disgusting horror. And then she got a yeast infection. Haha, but not funny.

I will say this until I am blue in the face: you shouldn't put stuff that doesn't belong in a vagina in a vagina. You could get a yeast infection, and maybe other things. This includes the whole strawberry jam in the navel thing and whipped cream down your buttcrack. Why? Because it could get in your vagina. What? You think getting wet and wild in a fountain of cool whip and then moving on to penetration is going to wind up in any way other than with said cool whip in your vagina? Don’t believe me? Fine. Let’s run this by a doctor.

You’re Probably OK If The Exposure Is BRIEF

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

The vagina is a,self-cleaning bucket of fun. It has a way of balancing itself out and flushing out bad bacteria. Dr. Rebecca Brightman, an OBGYN at East Side Women’s Associates, tells Bustle that brief exposure to sugar probably won’t cause a yeast infection in healthy women. “Cervical mucus and vaginal secretions and the presence of normal bacteria actually protect the vagina and help to maintain a normal pH.” Dr. Brightman says.

The key word to remember is brief. Meaning, you got all that gross stuff out of your vagina post-food sex. Where you run into trouble is trying to get more viscous things out of your vagina. “Gooey sauces, like chocolate, sauce may be fun to lick off other body parts, but may be tough to get out of the vagina,” Dr. Brightman says.

Remember That The Vagina Self-Cleans

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

You may be thinking, “Oh, OK! So I’ll just get up in there with soap and everything will be great.”

No. Do not do this. The vagina self-cleans. The vagina does NOT like soap. You can use a mild soap on the outside of the labia, but nothing goes inside except water. So, how do you clean out the chocolate syrup that is stuck up your vagina? Just rinse thoroughly in the shower. Or, you know, don't put it in there.

Don’t Put Anything Up There That Can’t Be Removed

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

This includes: Maraschino cherries, gobstoppers, gummy bears, hot peppers, gum balls, peppermints, olives etc. You get it. Dr. Brightman says that most gynecologists have stories about patients who have put something weird up their vagina and need to have it removed. “We have the ability to remove anything, but it's always nice to avoid a visit to your gynecologist or the local ER in the case of a bedroom mishap!” Dr. Brightman says

Dr. Brightman recalls one particular story that legit made me ROTFL. “One of the funnier stories is the time when a patient (a mom with several kids) called that she had been fooling around with her husband a piece of fruit (in this case a strawberry) was stuck in her vagina. Try as she may, and even though she had pushed out several babies, she could not get the strawberry out. She came to the office and within seconds I removed the strawberry and we shared a good laugh. Later in the day and I was finishing up with my patients, a messenger hand delivered a large box of long stem strawberries dipped in chocolate along with a note thanking me for having a great sense of humor!”

Needless to say, food play in bedroom might be popular and considered sensual, but it comes with its set of drawbacks. While Dr. Brightman says you can experiment with anything that has a normal pH, I think you're better off going out for ice cream first, and have sex at home afterwards.