I know I can't be the only one who's ever had to deal with a partner who's boring in bed. Sex should be fun! But when one partner is all about switching things up while the other likes to stick with the same routine, someone's going to be left feeling unsatisfied. I'm the type of person who really enjoys being adventurous in the bedroom. From exploring fantasies to testing out new toys, I'm all about trying things at least once. Because of that, I'm always hoping my partner is just as open to anything sexually as I am.
So it was pretty disappointing to me when I started dating a guy who I really liked, was super sweet, but lazy AF when it came to sex. I hate saying he was bad in bed, but it became the same exact routine every single time. So what's the best way to deal with a partner who's boring in bed?
"If you come to realize that your partner is boring in bed, congratulations! You’ve just taken the first step towards better sex," Dr. Emily Morse, host of the top downloaded sex and relationship advice podcast Sex with Emily, tells Bustle. So here are some things you can do if you feel like your partner is a bore in the bedroom:
1First, Take A Look At Yourself
Before you start playing the blame game, Morse says it's important to take a look at yourself first. "I always say only boring people get bored," she says. "So take some ownership and think about what works to make it more interesting for both of you."
Are you bored because you're not orgasming enough? Or is it because you have a fantasy that has yet to be fulfilled? Once you've figured out what you really want, then you'll be able to communicate that to your partner.
2Have Foreplay All Day Long
"Remember foreplay starts after the last orgasm," Morse says. So doing something small during the day like sending sexy texts about what you’d like to do to your partner when you see them later can make things much hotter when you both get home.
3Use An App To Help Overcome Any Shyness
"It's possible, even likely, that one partner isn't boring so much as the couple hasn't found fun things to do or try that are mutually interesting or exciting," Derek Newton, founder of Simpatic.us, a site dedicated to helping couples explore their fantasies in a private way. How this works is, couples anonymously complete a questionnaire on their sexual interests individually and afterwards, they're sent a list of things that both partners showed interest in. It could be anything from role play to bondage to adding in other people.
"I'd suggest using Simpatic.us to see what mutual interests may already be in place. Then go from there," Newton says. "Usually, the couple is surprised by how many things they already have in common but were too afraid or shy to suggest."
4Think Of Sex As A Team Effort
"Partners who are 'boring in bed' may just not be used to taking initiative when it comes to mixing it up sexually or there can simply be a lack of understanding of how to make things more exciting," Dr. Kat Van Kirk, licensed marriage and family therapist and resident sex expert at Adam and Eve, tells Bustle.
Don't just think of a boring sex life as something you need to fix individually. It can't just be your problem or your partner's. It needs to be the both of you. "Think of communication as medicinal to your relationship," Van Kirk says. "The more engaged and spontaneous you both can be, the more likely you'll be together longer in a satisfying relationship over all."
5Be Spontaneous And Take Initiative
If your partner isn't taking the lead on making things more fun, do it yourself! As Van Kirk suggests, you can even make a game out of it by seeing who can surprise each other the most. If you're in need of a couple ideas, making a surprise shower visit or initiating a make out session in the car are great places to start.
6Accessorize Your Sex Life By Bringing Out The Toys
Invest in some toys to help. "This is part of the purpose of sex toys," Van Kirk says. "Varied stimulation helps to keep you both engaged to be more orgasmic."
7Focus On Sensuality
"So many people get stuck on sexual compatibility that they forget nerves and anxiety can really wreck havoc," Dr. Jennifer Rhodes, licensed psychologist, relationship expert, and the founder of the bi-costal consultancy, Rapport Relationships, tells Bustle. Rather than focusing on sex, Rhodes tell clients to focus on sensuality.
You can do that by going dancing so you can work on your connection to each other. You can buy new candles and essential oils to set the mood. You can even give each other a massage to help decrease anxiety and open communication to how each person likes to be touched. "Open some Prosecco, buy some chocolate covered strawberries, and simply talk about anything but sex," she says. "You may be surprised by how a little sensuality and relaxation can make your sex life better."
8Be Open And Honest With Your Feelings In The Nicest Way Possible
Even if you know you like to keep things simple in bed, nobody wants to hear that they're boring or vanilla or anything but the greatest thing ever. "It's always good to be sensitive when you're talking about issues related to sex," NY-based psychotherapist, Avi Klein, LCSW tells Bustle. "If you're too blunt with the truth, it can really impact your partner's confidence and sink your sex life altogether."
9Use Visuals To Help Show Your Partner What You Like
"Don’t be afraid to use porn or articles to help describe things you want to try," sexologist, Michelle Hope, M.A., tells Bustle. "Only you can gauge you and your partner's comfort level with porn, but it can oftentimes be a great conversation starter."
Being with a partner who's boring in bed can be a huge problem if it goes undiscussed. "Often with our hectic lives and our long lists of to-do's, we don’t take the time to communicate in a way that expresses our true feelings. We might think that we'll be fine, it'll get better with time or it really doesn’t matter that much. I always recommend for couples to keep it spicy is to keep communication in the forefront of their minds and in their bedrooms."
10Check In After Sex
Be fearless and open with what you really want in the bedroom and always reward your partner for a job well done, Hope says. "After sex is a great time to check in about what went well and share some moments to enjoy just holding each other," Hope says. "If your partner used to do something in the bedroom before, remind them of how much you liked it."
Hope suggests using statements like:
- "I really get hot when we..."
- "I love it when we do this..."
- "It makes me feel super sexy when..."
"Talking about sex can be a sensitive topic, so always start with the positives and try to avoid 'you' messages," she says. "Furthermore, be open and non-judgmental. You might not get the response you're looking for or you might get an unexpected earful now that the door has been open. Remember to keep it light and be willing to take baby steps before expecting to set up the sex swing."
Remember that everyone's definition of "boring" is different. That's why knowing yourself and being able to communicate that is important. In turn, your partner might become more comfortable sharing what they like. You never know — opening up about what you want in bed may just be exactly what your sex life needs.