If you've been searching for the perfect sex toy for yourself or someone else for the holidays, well, this isn't going to get you any closer to finding it. The Wobbling Willy — yes, that's a real, actual name for a dildo — is a personalized sex toy. And no, I don't mean "personalized" as in, it lets you set a vibration pattern that you like or that it has your name carved into the base in diamonds. It's personalized in the sense that you can customize a goddamn cartoon head on it. Yes, it's really as creepy as it sounds.
As the aptly named "WTF Is This?" section of the website explains: "Wobbling Willy is a novelty product and a fully functional dildo with a twist, made of body-safe silicone. A perfect gift. The only selfie you will ever need. Mr Right. A stand-in. Your dream boy. It's your personalized playful toy."
So you submit a photo of someone and they make what is essentially a clay bobblehead of that person on the dildo — and then you'll have a sex toy with a 3-D creepy cartoon head attached to it. The site claims it's "perfect for a long-distance relationship". Are you horrified yet? No? Not fully? OK, well then take a look at this to get the full idea of what Wobbling Willy actually is.
That's right. As the mathematical sex toy equation says above, it's a head plus a dildo, and it equals a total horror that will haunt your nightmares for years to come.
But what is way, way weirder that putting a sculpture of partner's face on a sex toy is that you can get actually get anyone's head printed on the Wobbling Willy — a celebrity crush, your ex, a Facebook friend you haven't talked to since senior year of high school, someone you saw on a bus once, etc. Basically, this is what stalker's dreams are made of.
Even if you got your partner's face on it while you were in a relationship, isn't that pretty much as egotistical as you can get? Twitter seemed to think so.
Others thought that Wobbling Willy looked exactly like them. To be honest, the photo that they used is a pretty generic dude. There are definitely 150,000 Chads out there who look like this Wobbling Willy example.
But just when I was wondering why this is a thing, who would use this, and how someone could actually use this sex toy, the internet gave me the answer I was looking for. Genius @ThePaul_T tweeted: "So, who wants to send a "Wobbling Willy(tm)" to the white house with Trumps own head on it?"
So perhaps Wobbling Willy really does have a purpose after all. I'm actually considering spending a lot of my hard-earned cash ($99, plus shipping) for a 19 cm purple dildo with a sculpture of Trump's face on it because that's where I am in my life right now.
There are so many great sex toys out there right now that I can't imagine too many people will be ordering the Wobbling Willy as the innovative toy to spice up their sex lives. But as a novelty gift for you, your partner, or your friend, I can see it taking off. Truthfully, there are enough jerks out there in the world who can be turned into literal heads for dicks.
As for ordering one as an act of political rebellion, well, time will just have tell whether that'll take off. But I will say this: If a bunch of dildos with Trump bobbleheads arrive at the White House, it will be a very happy holiday indeed.