Talking dirty isn’t necessarily a new phenomenon in the sex and dating world, but some creators are taking it to new heights with their videos on KinkTok. Angel Ardito, a rising TikTok creator and pole dancing instructor under the username @thelousypoledancer, is no stranger to the trend. Her video series on “bedroom speak” has amassed millions of views and for good reason — Ardito happily engages with her 527,000+ followers by responding to countless requests for dirty talk tips and ideas.
While she may serve as a great resource for TikTok users who are thirsty (pun intended) for advice, the 26-year old based in Oregon says that she hasn’t always been so adept when it comes to kinky conversation. “It did not come naturally to me,” she tells Bustle. ”I don't think that it comes naturally to most people.” In fact, it wasn’t until the sexual activity in her former marriage became stale that Ardito began to discover a knack for it. “I knew that I wasn't super fulfilled. I wanted to try something new and exciting. I started going on YouTube and searching … ‘how to spice up your sex life.’”
Below, Ardito offers her best tips for bringing dirty talk into your bedroom, whether you’re a sub, a dom, or it’s your first time trying it.
What would you suggest for someone who wants to try incorporating dirty talk for the first time in the bedroom?
It doesn't have to be extra kinky or cringey or ridiculous. Basically, you’ll want to tap into all of your senses. So for example, what we hear when people are talking dirty comes from what we're seeing and what we're feeling. For example, you'll commonly hear people say “You look hot, you look sexy, you look good, you feel good, you feel amazing.”
There's nothing wrong with saying those things, but a lot of people forget to tap into everything that they're feeling. What are you experiencing physically, but also what are you tasting and hearing? What are you smelling? So “I love how you taste” or “I want to taste you.” You can be more descriptive than that. If you're with someone who is vulva-owning, you could be like “I love how your little p*ssy tastes on my mouth” or “I love your juices flowing down my face.” You want to be descriptive, for example, “You smell amazing. I could eat you up.”
Sound is a great one, too. “You sound so sexy when I'm going down on you,” or “I love the sounds that you make when I do X, Y, and Z.” It's just about describing in the beginning. You can get more crazy with it, the more comfortable you get.
Speaking of feeling more comfortable, what are your tips for gaining confidence when using dirty talk?
Confidence comes with experience. Many people have been hired for a job they’ve never done before. It’s almost impostor syndrome — you're worried everyone's going to find out you don't know what you're doing, but you learn as you go. As you get more experienced, you become more confident in the job — and that applies in the bedroom as well. It's one of those things where you have to just jump in and start.
You can just say “I love it when you twist my nipples. I love it when you nibble my neck.” You can start with little simple things like that and build from there as you gain confidence. But it’s a lot easier when you have self-assurance in general. I used to have low self-esteem and talking dirty was a lot more difficult. So yes, you’ll feel confident as you do it more, but also maybe you could work on your self-esteem outside of the bedroom. The more you do it, the better it'll feel and the more it'll come naturally.
Do you have any examples of dirty talk phrases or ideas for someone who's more submissive?
For someone who's dominant, they want to know that you're enjoying them being dominant over you so express how much you enjoy it when they take control. You can't go wrong telling a dominant partner “I f*cking love it when you hold my wrists down.” A great place to start is showing that you're enjoying the actions your partner is performing on you.
A lot of dirty talking can be correlated to begging. Ask them for what you want. For example, if you want them to ride you from behind — let's say you want to do doggy style or something — start squirming around. Use your body when you're asking them for something. I'm going to extend my arms, put my butt in the air, and make a face, furrow my brow, or roll my eyes in the back of my head and say “Baby, I want you to take control so badly. I just want you to f*ck me from behind.” Being submissive doesn't mean you can’t ask for what you want.
On the flip side, what would you suggest for someone who is more dominant?
When you're the more dominant one, you’re telling your partner what to do and then asking them if they're enjoying it. Like, “Oh, yeah, you like it when I f*ck you like that, baby.” The whole concept is that you're taking control and you're doing what you want. Try to stick with what you're comfortable with. You can start out with little things.
So, let's say you have experience with dirty talk, but your partner doesn't; how might you start the conversation around bringing it into the relationship?
There are a couple of ways that you could go about this, but what I would hope most people aim for is openness and communication outside of the bedroom versus springing it on them while you're having sex.
It's best to come to your partner with a level head when you're not engaging in sexual activity with them and say “Hey, I've been wanting to try this with you and I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Is this something you'd be interested in?” If you haven't already had a conversation with your partner about how kinky you want to get, keep it light. Maybe don't ask them to spit in your face and tell you're a slut unless you've already talked about liking that.
How can someone use dirty talk to communicate what they want from their partner during sex?
The easy answer is to just tell them. It's not necessarily easy because you don't want to hurt their feelings or anything. But instead of saying “Don't do that, do this,” you could say “I want you to try this.” Or you could say “I love it when you ___”
I think dirty talking is actually a really gentle way to guide your partner in the right direction without having to tell them upfront. I think that everyone should be upfront in general, but I know that's hard, especially for a lot of women.
Absolutely. What if you have a partner who's not comfortable with dirty talk or one who’s having a hard time with it?
Ultimately, you have to operate within the constraints of what your partner is or isn't comfortable trying. If you're super into dirty talk and you're saying all kinds of nasty sh*t, and your partner's saying “I don't know how I feel about this,” then you probably need to take the time out outside of any sexual engagements to talk to your partner about their limits.
If your partner is resisting, then that's kind of that. You can always ask them, “Are you open to guidance?” or “Are you open to learning?” That’s where you'll get your answer. They may say “Yes, I'm open to learning. Yes, I'm open to guidance,” and you go from there and learn together. If not, you have to determine you're OK with that.
Do you have any tips for starting to use dirty talk when texting?
The rule of thumb that I like to use is that before sex you say what you want, what you're thinking about, and what you’ve enjoyed in the past. During sex, you tell them what you're experiencing, what you like. So when you’re texting before sex, you can say “Oh, my God, I can't stop thinking about last weekend. We were 69ing. I'm getting so wet right now.”
If you’re in the mood, but don't know if they are, you could send a sexy picture, maybe holding a T-shirt over your boob or something. You’d say “Tell me if you want me to drop it,” or something like that. Something that's a little bit of a tease because when you’re sexting someone, you're teasing them more than anything. You don't want to just send a picture of your vulva. Starting with something a little sensual, then they'll respond however they want and you can send more pictures.
How do you think someone could recover if they tried some dirty talk during sex and their partner didn't react well? Like if they laughed or became awkward?
If your partner's laughing, it's probably because they're uncomfortable. No matter what negative thing is happening, take a deep breath. It's not that something's wrong with you. It's just that they weren't comfortable with the situation. The second thing would be to respectfully and safely address that with your partner.
I would say “I noticed that I tried this, and I don't think that you really took it that well. Can you tell me what you were feeling? Were you feeling embarrassed or nervous or did I do something wrong?” Try and get an understanding; go into the conversation knowing that your ultimate goal is to figure out your partner's position.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.