10 People Share Their Ultra-Specific Boundaries In Their Open Relationships

If you’ve ever done a group project, you know that more isn’t necessarily merrier — at least not without a little bit of structure. The same goes for nonmonogamous relationships. Two people create one connection. Add a third, and suddenly three separate dynamics are at play. Add a fourth, and there are six. (Sorry to throw math at you.) With each new person, there are more avenues for good connections — or bad ones.

Of course, every situation is different. Your husband hooking up with a guy at his annual work conference may not require the same amount of negotiation as a committed polycule does. But no matter how you’ve opened the relationship, you’ll want everyone involved to feel cared for and respected.

Enter: rules. Non-monogamy is meant to add fun and intimacy to your life, not produce jealousy, so if there’s a specific thing you’d rather your partner not do with other people, go ahead — create a boundary. It can be small or silly, professional or practical. Such guidelines are like clutching a river map while white-water rafting: You still might flip the boat, but you’ll have a better chance of avoiding the rocks. The clearer the boundaries, the more smoothly open relationships can operate, and the more likely you’ll be able to keep the peace, prevent misunderstandings, and limit unnecessary hurt feelings. (Here’s hoping there’s a Virgo in your polycule.)

Below, Bustle asked nonmonogamous people to share the unique guidelines that keep their relationships thriving.

1. “My primary partner can’t go home with other stand-up comedians without checking with me first. Those are basically my colleagues, and who knows who I might have some personal beef with? I didn’t want to find out someone f*cked my girlfriend during a roast battle.” — Billy, 36, Los Angeles
2. “I’m dating a married guy in an open relationship. He’s not allowed to have Snapchat when he’s at home, so he deletes it and then redownloads it every day when he goes into work. I can send him whatever, but he won’t see it until he gets the app back.” — Isabella*, 27, Washington, D.C.
3. “My partner and I have a list of shows we’re not allowed to watch with anyone else. Watching the last season of Severance with anyone else but my primary partner would have been a monumental betrayal.” — Taylor*, 42, Los Angeles
4. “I’m single, but I’m seeing a guy who has a girlfriend. Their rule is that they can bring other people home, but they can only sleep with other people in the guest bedroom, not their bedroom.” — Livvy*, 29, Salt Lake City
5. “My boyfriend and I try not to spend more on other people in a month than each other. If he goes on three dates with other people, and he’s only taking me on one, he better be ready to spend some money. We don’t check that closely, it’s more of a general vibe.” — Carrie*, 26, St. Louis
6. “My weirdest relationship rule with my nesting partner is that I have first right of refusal on all concerts. If I want to go, I get to go, and if I don’t want to go, he can invite another partner.” — Stella, 32, Portland, Oregon
7. “Our first date spot is off-limits because it’s ours. Same with a couple of other restaurants we go to a lot, because I don’t want to deal with people we know feeling the need to ‘tell on’ my partner or me if they don’t know we’re open.” — Rachel*, 32, Los Angeles
8. “My husband and I swing, and our rule is that all text communication has to happen in a group chat. I don’t care if he goes into another room with someone at a party, but I don’t want to see him getting nudes from someone.” — Sam, 31, Boston
9. “My ex and I had threesomes with a friend of ours, and my rule was that [my boyfriend] could only penetrate me, not her. Maybe that sounds bad, but it worked for us.” — Helen*, 24, New York City
10. “My girlfriend and I don’t consider anything that happens outside of the United States to be cheating.” — Garrett*, 28, Minneapolis

*Name has been changed.