New Alanis Morissette Interview Proves She's Totally a Witch, Probably Went to Hogwarts
Hold onto your broomsticks, witches, because a new interview proves Alanis Morissette is totally a witch. In fact, she's probably a member of some Canadian super-coven that made up the international student population at Hogwarts. I mean, where else would she have learned divination? Isn't it ironic? (Hey, wait: that's not irony...)
Looking at the singer-songwriter's answers to the 21 questions put before her by online beauty publication The Fashion Spot, it may be easy to brush past all the obvious hints at Morissette's true existence, painting them as either "alternative medicine" or living a generally hippie-ish lifestyle. But that's why you have me here: to guide you through the twisting, turning tides of tricky word treachery, so that you may read between the lines and get the whole picture of who Ms. Morissette really is.
She Uses The Power of Divination
That's right, every single day, Morissette approaches her day the old fashioned way: through the art of divination. "When I get dressed in the morning I…" the question starts. Morissette's finisher? To "feel my way into what color or clothing I want to wear. I treat my clothes like tools of divination!" She predicts her own future based on the color of the clothing she wears. Genius witchcraft, right there, if you ask me.
Besides, what other excuse does she have for her 90s hairdo if not an ode to Professor Sybill Trelawney?
She Has Interest in Stuff Called "Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulation"
It's a therapy that uses electrical impulses to gain a greater range of motion, facilitate voluntary muscle control, and reduce spasticity. Electric impulses? Facilitate control? Reduce spasticity? Who would want to do all that if not a witch?
She Burns Stuff
Everybody know witches love to burn shit — it's their tiny way of getting back at Salem for putting all their sisterbitches up on the stake. Why else would Morissette admit that to "burn candles and incense and sage" de-stresses her?
She Can Survive Boiling Water
She likes to "sit in a hot, hot bath." Everybody knows "hot hot" means twice as hot as normal hot — too hot for normal humans — and therefore only endurable by witches and wizards.
She Uses Stuff Called Pratima Oil
I bet she gets all of her Pratima from Professor Sprout!
She Has The Power of Convergence
Some have called Morissette's musical performances "mesmerizing" and "expressive," two powers witches must have in order to succeed. But she also has another power: that of convergence, or the ability to combine powers with other witches around you. So it's no wonder that her ritualistic seances that some of you may call "concerts" are — according to her — "this incredible convergence of body, spirit, surrender, humility and power. With glitter, noise, sweat and freedom. I love it so much." She can converge all of the things, of all of the people in the room! That is some superhero strength powers of witchiness, my friends.
She Uses Witchy Words
Calling the birth of your son an "otherworldly moment" can only mean one thing: TOTAL WITCH.
She Hints That We All Have Powers
Clearly wanting to recruit more women into her witchy ways, Morissette ends the interview with this lingering thought: "our sexuality as women is only ONE aspect of our power, not ALL of it." To that we say: Oh really, Alanis? And what are those other powers, eh? EH?
The answer here is clear: Alanis Morissette is a witch! A WITCHY WITCH! Tell all your friends and enemies!
Image: CJOH-TV ; Harry Potter/Warner Brothers